1. White � Qh4
I move my Queen to force his Bishop back. Filip is losing confidence, I can see it. Filip Sim�k. Winner of last year�s Junior German Chess Open Tournament. Beat me in Paris two years ago. Pigface said I deserved to lose. Said I was nothing but a silly scatterbrain, too lazy to make anything of the little talent I had. Said I should work harder, practise five hours a day at least, went into his �how do you think I got to where I am now� routine... I remember looking hard into his evil little pig eyes, wondering if he could see how much I hated him.
2. Black � Bd7
My bladder wakes me up, the clock says 3:18. There�s no way I can wait until the morning. I get up, walk down the corridor in the dark. Their bedroom door is open. I hear noises. I hesitate. More noises. My heart stutters. I don�t want to hear. I don�t want to see it. I walk fast, try and block off the sounds, try not to look through the door. Swish swish, my pyjamas brush against my legs, quick, get in, lock the door behind me. My face is burning, my skin is tingling, my breath is coming out hard and hot, my hands are shaking. He did this to me on purpose. I KNOW he did it on purpose. Why else would he leave the door open? He WANTS me to hear them. It�s all part of his plan, I know what he�s doing, keep me down, make me watch, neutralise me. Back in my room I shut the door but my head is full of their noises. I rub my ears until all I can hear is the sound of blood rushing under my skin.
3. White � e5
I�m eighteen today. I�ve decided I want to go to the Observatory to celebrate, make it special. I want to see the stars. Gemma and Rachel humour me. We drink beer on the lawn outside all afternoon. It�s a beautiful day. No one realises we�re so drunk so they let us in no problem. We go up to the Observatory and play around with the telescopes. One of the doors leading up to the balcony is open. We step outside and start shouting out random song lyrics. �This fire is out of control!� �Take me out, oh Alex, take me out!� But then something changes. The air feels so soft on my skin it�s like an invitation. Jump. Stop feeling pain. Just stop feeling. I start mumbling, �I can�t take this anymore�, again and again. I put one leg over the parapet without being aware of what I�m doing. Gemma and Rachel suddenly realise that I�m not messing about anymore. They sober up fast and now they�re holding on to me, both talking at the same time, �what are you doing, Abbie, come back here, what�s wrong with you, stop this craziness, stop it now, come on, what�s the matter with you...� And so on and so on, so much so that I have to tell them something. I don�t know how to explain. I say my father raped me.
4. Black � dxe5
I come home from chess practice, make a cheese sandwich, go into the living room. He�s there. There�s a funny expression on his face. He almost smiles. I ignore him and turn the TV on. I�m about to sit down when I notice the laptop next to him. My laptop. Last I checked it was in my room. He starts speaking. He says my tutor called. Told him about certain allegations I�d made. I feel my stomach cramp and twist inside. He says I�ve gone too far this time. Says he�d obviously been too lax with me, things will have to change. Says he opened my inbox. Read my emails to find out what was going on in my little head. It made for interesting reading, he says. Especially the ones I sent to Gemma about my �V problem�. There�s an ugly little smile on his lips. At that point she comes in. I squash my sandwich all over her expensive dress as I run out of the room.
5. White � Nh5
He put his hand on my mouth. He said, �don�t say a word�, in this really low voice. I was scared. I couldn�t move. It was like I was paralysed. He put one hand on my chest to hold me down. It hurt, I couldn�t breathe. He pulled my pyjama trousers down. And then, he... you know... I�m sorry, it�s just too hard, I can�t say it. [...] God, the way you people say things! Yes, there was �full penetration�. Happy now? Why do you think I didn�t tell anybody? I was ashamed, that�s why. I was scared no one would believe me. Can I go now?
6. Black � gxh5
Pigface says I�m manipulative and calculating. Pigface shows them my diary. Tears of acid rage burn down my face. The Pigface cunt stole my diary. And he�s so obviously, so obscenely, enjoying reading my most intimate thoughts and feelings aloud to these people. �I have to teach him a lesson. I won�t let him put me down in front of my friends anymore. But how? What can I do to get back at him? What if I stole stuff that he needs for work? An important presentation or something, make him look like a fool in front of his staff. But then I wouldn�t be there to see him humiliated. Or I could tell her that he�s got AIDS. No, she�ll never believe me. She always takes his side, the stupid cow.� I feel naked and ashamed, my ugly little self laid bare for all those people to see and point at and snigger at. The looks they give me... like I�m some kind of monster. They say the evidence is �too flimsy�. They say my account of the facts is �muddled and contradictory�. They say I�m a �troubled young girl�. And that�s that.
7. White � Qxg5
I only have one option left if I am to win this game. So here we go. Filip looks in disbelief as I take his Knight and offer my Queen to his pawn. It�s my first time. I was a Queen sacrifice virgin. It sends chills down my spine and blood rushing madly through my whole body. The gesture is so bold, so incredibly liberating, it feels like I�ve already won.
8. 1-0
Pigface in the dock, boiling with contained fury as the jury listens to the moving testimonies of my friends and fellow chess players, all in tears as the police inspector goes through the details of my fatal jump from the 8th floor of a central Berlin hotel, what a terrible loss it is to the world of chess, such a talented young lady, such a waste. The judge�s hammer falls down. Suicide makes it all true. Pigface gets seven years. He thought he�d finished me. There was a glow of satisfaction on his cheeks when he took my Queen. But I quickly wrap it all up, hadn�t seen it coming, had you Filip? Rf7 � Kxh6 � Rh7#. Checkmate.
JEAN RHYS
CONSTANCE KENT