THE LOVE YOU NEED
by Morag McDowell

�Mr Knox, what�s your boyfriends� name?�

�We saw you in town with him Mr Knox�

�Naw that was his Dad�

�Mr Knox is that a love bite on your neck?�

�Mr Knox are you gay or straight?�

�Leave him alone will ye? Mr Knox, are you bi-sexual?�

�Maybe he disnae know whit he is�

�Mr Knox are you a virgin?�

He kept writing on the board, name a piece of music written by Chopin, then turned round and his perma-blush face with its bum fluff beard was smiling away like this was the best lesson of his life.

�Now you all remember what we listened to earlier?� Silence. �And last week too. The Chopin? What�s it called?�

Somebody farted.

�You all know, Come on Linda, you remember, don�t you?�

She slid down in her seat and rolled her eyes. She�d started to feel sorry for him, but really he deserved it. She looked up at the classroom ceiling splattered with dried spit chewing gum, and unidentifiable hairy lumps that looked like dead mice. Ballade Opus 1 in G Minor, she thought, but said nothing, not wanting to write her suicide note yet. He turned back to the white-board and started writing up musical terms � adagio, arpeggio, vibrato, fortissimo, arabesque. Josh Donovan threw a tampon soaked in water and wallpaper glue at the blackboard. It hit the o in Chopin dead centre and stayed there until the bell rang. She was half-listening to Nat who was talking about her hair and her diet as they walked towards the Maths department. Nat was either on a diet or talking about one, it was worse than listening to her mother sometimes, but they were best pals ever since primary and they were going to have babies at the same time, then their children would play together. Her Mum would keep an eye on the kids and read her books, Medical Romance � the Complete Collection, while she and Nat went shopping. Nat flicked open her mobile, pushed the buttons with the left hand, slicked on a fresh layer of lipstick with the right. She knew where she was going, had it all worked out.

�Comin� out for a smoke?�

Linda shrugged,

�Na, on ye go� No matter how hard she tried it didn�t sound casual.

�See ya later geek�

When she got home, her mum was sitting at the kitchen table, reading, �Doctor Heal My Heart.� Brynn was lying in the living-room, still in his strip from football, his body long and oversized on the two-seater sofa. Mud from his socks smeared the taupe velvet cushions. A disc was playing. She picked up the case and looked at the title � �Great Sounds of the 80s!� One day he was playing her Franz Ferdinand and Kings of Leon and he was her cool big brother who everyone fancied, the next, Denny McLeod was captain of the school football team and Brynn was listening to 80�s disco. He�d be playing her Chopin next or talking about Abba�s cunning exploitation of classical techniques. She couldn�t get the Ballade out of her head, it kept breaking into her thoughts, unstoppable like some killer flu, virus notes and trills scrabbling around inside her head like cockroaches. Brynn stretched and sat up,

�Allright?�

She walked past him to the CD player and turned the volume down.

�What�re you listening to that shite for?�

He smiled and shrugged. His hair was matted thick with mud and he had a bruise on his forehead. She started fiddling with the radio, trying to tune it to classic FM, thinking if she listened to something it would get Chopin and eighties disco out of her head. Behind her, Brynn got up and walked out. She heard the bath taps running. Her mum called from the kitchen,

�Want some soup for your tea, darlin�?� She walked in and saw three tins of Chicken and Vegetable Big Soup sitting on the table. Her Mum was on the last chapter of her book, she was turning the pages quickly, just scanning them in her urgency to get to the end.

�She�s such a good writer. This is her best one yet�

She read the title upside down � �Doctor Heal my Heart.�

�Chopin moved to Paris when he was 21 years of age. He met Georges Sand there when he was 26.�

�Chopin had a boyfriend then, sir?�

�No Georges Sand was a woman. However, she was very unconventional for the time. She wore men�s suits and smoked cigars� A whoop of appreciation went round the room.

�D�ye mean Chopin�s girlfriend was a lesbian, sir?�

�No, I�� he stopped and suddenly shouted, �For God�s sake can�t you think of anything else?� The class went quiet, savouring the moment. She wondered if Mr Knox would lift the wastepaper bin and start hitting his desk with it the way Mr McLeish had last summer before he took early retirement, but he just took a deep shaky breath, said, �Okay listen to this,� then put a disc on. It was the Ballade again. As soon as the first chords started, they started talking over it, laughing and shouting at one another from opposite ends of the classroom until the noise was so bad that the Head of Music stuck his head around the door swivelling around in a jerky semi-mechanical sort of way that made him look like the terminator. She was sure he practised in front of the mirror at home for no-one was naturally that scary. It went quiet but as soon as he left they started up again. She still heard the scales and harmonics weaving in and out of one another, soaring up and down like roller coasters. Nat was telling her about a pair of trousers she�d bought. She nodded, half-listening, until Nat said,

�You havnae heard a word I�ve said.�

�Course ah have.�

Nat got up when the bell rang and walked out without waiting for her. Linda went to Maths, did differential equations, enjoying the way you could move them around and turn them inside out and still come up with what you expected to get, no surprises, no weirdness, just maths. When she walked out the school gate she saw Denny McLeod waiting at the gate, hands in pockets smiling at her. He didn�t bother to say anything as she walked up to him, just shifted a little bit so that she could fully appreciate the way his thick dark hair flopped cutely in front of his eyes.

�Hiya.�

�Hiya. I don�t know where Nat is.�

�I wasn�t looking for Nat.�

�Oh.�

He started walking beside her.

�Still top of the class, then?�

�Dunno.�

There was sound of a car behind them. They turned and Mr Knox drove out of the staff car park in his Rover Metro.

�He�s gonna get a new paint job soon.�

�How d�ye mean?�

�Josh Donovan knows where he lives.�

�What�s he gonna do?�

�Like I said, a new paint job. He�s got it in for him cos� he�s a poofter.�

He watched her face, said quickly,� Not that I�ve got anything against them myself. Walk you home?�

�Alright�

When they got to her block of flats, he turned and grabbed her shoulders and started kissing her, pushing his tongue between her teeth, insistently. It tasted of Mars Bars. She tried not to gag, thought of the lush waves of passion that she�d read about in her mother�s books and waited for something to happen. When nothing did, she tried to make an effort and writhed against him a bit, because after all it was Denny, who everybody was supposed to fancy - especially Nat, she remembered suddenly and pushed him away in a fit of guilt. He jumped back, wiping his mouth.

�Sorry.�

She shrugged.

�It�s okay, it�s just, I�m Nat�s best friend.�

He looked puzzled then pleasantly surprised.

�Right. See you tomorrow then.�

She counted the floors on the lift, for the light had gone out on the numbers. Nat had been wanting to go out with Denny for months, wanted his babies in fact, and, knowing her, she�d probably get them. Somewhere in the back of her head, the Ballade in G Minor surfaced. She remembered the final chords going off in her head like tiny bombs and she wondered if that was what kissing Denny McLeod should have been like.

When she got in, her Mum was lying in bed with the curtains closed and the bedside light on, reading �The Surgeons� Tender Secret� She went downstairs. Brynn was watching Discovery Channel. On the screen, a snake was shedding its skin. The top half of its body was wet and glistening, lying still while the bottom half, still encased in a papery tube, jerked around on the dusty ground. Brynn said without looking at her, �In India the snake was worshipped as an incarnation of Lord Shiva, the God of destruction and regeneration.�

The snake was having convulsions. It looked like it was dying.

�So?�

Bryn didn�t answer, just smiled. His eyes were on the TV screen, flicking back and forth, following the snakes� body as it whipped from side to side. Her mother was a medical romance addict and her brother was a Discovery Channel weirdo. She wished she were more like Nat.

�Chopin died at the age of 37 from TB.� He waited, scanning their faces for a reaction, until Jessica Atkinson said, �That�s a pure shame, sir.�

�That�s right Jessica. Who knows what he could have done with a few more years?�

Jessica realised she was in a conversation, stared at the floor and said nothing. The bell rang, chairs scraped, bodies pressed towards the door. He said in a voice that no-one could have heard even if they had been listening.

�Next week we�ll be moving onto a new topic - contemporary music.�

Josh Donovan smiled at him as he passed.

�That�s brilliant sir, I�ll bring in my Abba collection.�

�You do that Josh. And if anyone wants to borrow any of the music we�ve been listening to for the last few weeks, you just need to ask �

Nat stood up, got her mobile out.

�Go on then, borrow Mr Knox�s CD, Linda.�

She laughed a bit too loud. Nat gave her a funny look, put her mobile away.

�Can�t walk you home today. I�m meeting Denny.�

�Are you really? That�s great.�

After Maths, she went out the back gate and walked the long way home, in case she ran into them. When she got back, music was thumping out from Brynn�s room. His door was locked. She battered on it until it swung open and Brynn stood there in neck to toe red and white Adidas, all new, except the tracksuit top was torn at the shoulder. The cut above his eye had turned yellow and orange making a dark stain on his forehead underneath the shadow of his NYC baseball cap.

�You look like a drug dealer.�

�Good.�

She stared at a scratch on his neck. He turned without saying anything and limped back to his bed. She yelled above the music.

�What happened to you?�

�Rough tackle.� He lay down, turned his pale bony face up towards the ceiling and closed his eyes. He looked like some dead saint, the ones you found carved in stone in churchyards, though the effect was ruined by his foot jerking about to the beat of the music. Eighties disco again. A high voice started wailing, feels so good, feels so good, she couldn�t tell if it was a man or a woman. Brynn opened his eyes and looked at her.

�You okay?�

The music was pulsing inside her head, the base line vibrating through the floorboards, an insistent thump, as though someone was smashing on the ceiling with a hammer, then she realised someone was smashing on the ceiling with a hammer, the neighbours protesting about the noise.

�Denny McLeod kissed me and it was disgusting. Do you think I�m gay?�

He shook his head, held his hand to ear and mouthed, �what?�

�Nothing�

She was walking past the Music room at lunchtime on Tuesday on her way to meet Nat when she heard the Ballade. It stopped, someone coughed then it started again and she realised it was being played on the upright piano which sat on the podium beside Mr Knox�s desk. She walked towards the door and looked through the narrow reinforced glass window. His back was to her as she went in quietly. It wasn�t as smooth and perfect as the CD he�d played them, but she could hear his feet on the pedals, see his hands racing up and down the keyboard and the blur of his fingers. She imagined for a moment it was her hands, that she played like Chopin and wore men�s suits and smoked cigars and lived in Paris.

She opened the door, closed it quickly behind her before anyone saw. He stopped playing and turned around.

�Linda, what can I do for you?�

�You�re really good Mr Knox, you should be in an orchestra or something.�

He smiled shook his head.

�What was it you wanted Linda?�

She looked at his fingers. They were soft, long, clean, the nails pink and filed short and round. She thought of Josh Donovan�s big muscly hands.

�You want to watch out, Mr Knox.�

It came out wrong, like a threat. She said, �See that Josh Donovan? He�s bad news Mr Knox.�

�I know, Linda, I know.�

He smiled at her, like he was waiting for her to say something else. She felt stupid.

�Um that Ballade, can ah borrow it? The disc I mean?�

�Well of course you can� He jumped up from the piano seat, went over to the CD shelf, took it out and gave it to her.

�Keep it as long as you like� As she took it from his hand he said, �I could give you some tuition in the piano, if you wanted. At lunchtime maybe � if you�re interested.�

She stuffed the CD into her bag before anyone saw it.

�Just watch out for Josh Donovan, Sir�

�I will. And think about it.�

As soon as she got out of the lift, she heard the wailing from behind their front door. �Registrar Rescue Me� was lying discarded on the hallway floor, opened at the second chapter. Her Mum was sitting on the living-room sofa with one of Brynn�s football shirts held up to her face. Beside her on the sofa was a piece of foolscap paper crushed into a ball. Linda picked it up, flattened it carefully and read, �I�m sorry mum, but Jimmy was right. Will be in touch one day.�

Her mum twisted the shirt in her hands.

�What does it mean? Who�s Jimmy?�

�I don�t know Mum.�

She thought of Brynn�s face with his eyes closed, lying on the bed like he was already dead, milk white except for the deep red scratch on his shoulder. She wished she�d asked him how he�d got it, fetched him a plaster maybe. Her mum said in between sobs, �He�s taken the big blue sports bag, and some of his clothes, and his bank card. Do you think this Jimmy knows where he�s gone?�

Linda went in to the kitchen and put the kettle on. She picked up �Registrar Rescue Me� from the hallway floor, opened it at chapter two and gave it to her Mum with a mug of tea, then she went to her room and emptied her schoolbag onto her bed, thinking she had to do her homework, knowing she wouldn�t be able to concentrate. The CD fell out, but she couldn�t listen to it right now. Her skin felt like it was too small for her, stretched tight and ready to burst. She went into Brynn�s room. It was just the same as always � a single bed with the faded Manchester United quilt cover he�d got for his tenth birthday and on the walls posters of football teams and concerts he�d been too. His wardrobe door swung open. There were shoes and clothes strewn on the floor. His CD player was still switched on, the pause light blinking. She picked up an empty CD cover and read the title of the first song � �Smalltown Boy� by Jimmy Sommerville. She pressed the play button on the remote and listened to the track and it was the voice again that didn�t sound like a man or a woman but something else altogether. She listened to it and when it finished she pressed the repeat button and listened again while Jimmy sang, the answers you seek will never be found at home, the love that you need will never be found at home. She switched it off, heard her mother in the next room sobbing.

� What did he mean?�

She wouldn�t tell her mother, ever, for then Brynn would have to come back one day and tell them himself. She knelt down on the floor, clutching the remote control tight to her body. She wished that Mr Knox had a girlfriend, wished that he would jump out of his Rover Metro at the school gates and waste Josh Donovan with a quick burst of Jiu Jitsu and wished hard she�d never kissed Denny McLeod. He and Nat made a perfect couple, she realised then suddenly felt it, just like in her mother�s books, the tsunami crashing in, wiping out the future as she knew it. She lay back, closed her eyes and laughed while Jimmy Sommerville and cockroach arpeggios scuttled around inside her head.

� Morag McDowell
Reproduced with permission

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