What kinda saddo gets a boner at a time like this eh? Shouldn't even be looking at �em should I. It's not somefing yer do� ever� period, yer know whatta mean, cos she�s like me sister. Nice one Vincent, yer sick friggin� saddo. An� look at me, suckin� on this fing like it�s real. Puff on it all yer like Vinnie my man, it ain�t gonna smoke.
They definitely look bigger, that�s fer bleedin� sure. Nice an� big an� firm they are. Not like Gran�s over there. �ers are more big an� saggy, yer know whatta mean? Bet you a grand she�s got �er nipples tucked in �er knicker elastic. Saw �er do that once, yeah, when I was a kid. Getting� dressed in front o�the fire she was. Saw �er reflection clear as day in the telly. Promised �er I wouldn't look but I went an� did anyway din�t I. Couldn't stop meself - again. Deja bleedin� viewy or what. Belong down the pier me, down the pier wiv them old gimmers in flasher macs what look at mucky postcards. Sick friggin� saddo.
Yeah? Somefin� wrong? Look at �er, waftin� �er bleedin� hymnbook at me like I�ve just let one off. �ho are you anyway, the anti-smoking league? All right all right, keep yer bleedin� �air on; it ain�t even real. See look, I can lick it wivout burnin� me mush. Woo woo! Friggin� fire-eater me yeah. Swallow the whole bleedin� lot down if I wanted. There look, s�gone. Ha - the look on �er face! They�re kiddie fags yer sad cow, kiddie sweets!
"� a bright, attractive young woman who had the whole of her�"
So yeah, big swingin� knockers she has me Gran. Like balloons when yer fill 'em up wiv wa�er. Me an� Carla used to do that. We�d get these balloons, right, from the end shop, blow 'em up, fill �em wiv wa�er from the lav an� chuck 'em at the guests from out the back winder. Served �em right yeah, taking over the bleedin� house like that every season. We �ated �em, every friggin� last one of �em. Still there though aren� I, servin� �em up their full-English every mornin�. I mean, �ow sad is that. �ow friggin� sad does that make me, yeah. Still gets me own back now an� again though. Still gets one over on �em. Don�t bother wiv the wa�er bombs any more though. Nah. More sophisticated these days, yeah. Be a bit bleedin� sad wouldn�t it, bloke in his fir�ies chuckin� balloons out the back winder. Nah, now I just gob in their coffee. Or cappuccino I should say cos we�ve gone all up market we �ave. More yer la-de-da kind of establishment we are since Ma went an� renamed the place. �Sur la mer B&B;� we are now. That�s French yeah, for by the sea or in the shit or some bleedin� fing. So yeah, I gob in their cappuccinos, which is nifty cos the punters yeah, they can�t even tell what wiv the frof an� that. Result!
Someone's gonna notice sooner or later. Got to. Word�ll spread, people sayin� hows they look bigger an� that. God I could murder a faglette. A proper friggin� fag though� an� a cold shower too by the looks o�me trouser snake. Maybe I should throw meself overboard. Nofin� like la Manche in winter to shrivel up yer knackers an� put �em in their place. Their place bein� tucked inside yer shorts, not stickin� up like a ten foot friggin� flagpole � beggin� yer pardon vicar.
Fuck this bench is friggin� murder on yer arse, yer know whatta mean. Jesus, look at 'em all ignoring �er. I mean how can they just sit �ere right, pretendin� she ain�t even there? Friggin� criminal if yer�ask me. All on �er lonesome she is, poor cow; it ain�t right. Me yeah, I deserve the silent treatment. Vinnie the black sheep junkie, he deserves to be sent to Coventry. But not Carla. Nah, it�s proper wrong �er all on �er tod like that. Wait� now wha�? Oh right, I get it � it�s the audience participation bit is it? Time fer a bit of a sing-song? Okay, well I�ll stand up yeah, but I ain�t singin� cos Vincente don�t do singin� right, not unless it�s wiv the mute on. Bit o� the ole Marcel Marsehole lip sync shit, yer know whatta mean. That I will do.
Like fried eggs Carla�s tits were, them sweet jobs what yer get at the pick 'n' mix down the seafront. Them sweets what show yer teeth marks when yer bites into 'em an� everyfin�. Like what yer call it? That� that fing what they do at the dentists. Impressionism, yeah that�s it. Only the stuff they make them sweets from�s white not pink. An� they don�t make you gag neiver, the sweets I mean. Not like when you �ave an impression. Not unless you scoff a bagful like what I did last week when I �eard about our Carla. Well, I �ad to do somefin� to cheer meself up din�t I.
"� so full of life. A young woman who enriched the lives of all those around her�"
So yeah, like fried eggs Carla's tits were. Tiny, yer know whatta mean. Bee stings she called �em. Ha! there was this T-shirt in the souvenir place on the front what sells tat to the tourists - Knock-off Ned�s shop. One o�them tight jobs it were, like the t-shirt that Mona bird �ad on last night at Malibu�s. Why I friggin� bothered tryin� to pick �er up I�ll never� Anyway, this T-shirt what me an� Carla saw yeah, it �ad 'I WISH THESE WERE BRAINS' written across the chest. An� we were larfin�! Nearly wet ourselves we did. Then Carla goes an� asks Knock-off if he could get �er one wiv 'I WISH THESE WERE TITS' on instead. Set us off again that did; proper larfin� we was.
Fuck, this is all going pear-shaped this is; a right royal cock-up. Nobody�s noticin� �er new tits cos no one can bring the�selves to even look at �er can they. �cept that friggin� seagull what�s just gone an� landed on the railing� "Oi you, clear off. Go on, clear the fuck off yer flyin� fuckin� vermin.�
Pardon my French. All right ma, keep yer friggin� �at on. S�crowd control, yeah. Can't �ave a bloody great gull wiv an arse full o� birdlime crappin� all over �er now can we. Christ, look at �er, �avin� kittens she is. �er eyes�re flickin� about like a friggin� ball in a pin ball machine. She�s worried I�m gonna go off on one yeah. ��ere, father,� she�s sayin�, �look sharp, our Vincent's back on wiv them drugs again.�
Leave it out will yer ma, gimme a friggin� break; I�m clean now, yeah. S�different this time. She wishes it were me, ma does. Wishes it were me under there, not our Carla. They all do - ma, me ole man, Uncle Jack. Yeah, they wish it were me; s�written all over their faces. Ma�s�s got more lines and shadows on �ers than a kiddie�s friggin� colourin� book. An� I don�t blame �em fer finkin� it. It should be me, yeah, by rights. I'm the waste o�space round �ere, always �ave bin, yer know whatta mean. The mistake what turned up out the blue.
Christ all bleedin� mighty, did yer see that? Just then. �er chest only went an� �eaved, I swear. No, couldn't've�no. Must be �allucinatin�; s�the E numbers in them kiddie fags makin� me �yper. Christ I�m a friggin� wreck me man, fer real. Look, me friggin� �ands�re shakin� like nobody�s business. Friggin� nancy me, lettin� it get to me like this. Yeah, friggin� nancy boy waste of friggin� space.
"� Carla loved the water and it was as a synchronised swimmer that she found her true �"
She did fink about �avin� 'em done. Yer know, implants an� that. Ma said it was me what put the idea in �er �ead but I never. Carla din�t need no tossy little brother tellin� �er what to do. Nah, it was �er idea. Said a boob job would �elp �er career an� that. She worked at Waterworld, yeah, at the �oliday centre place down the road. Had done since she left school. She swam with Lily Pad an� the Floaters in the summer season. Carla was a Floater but she �ad �er �eart set on being Lily Pad - centre stage, yeah, spotlight glintin� off �er nose clip an� all that. Din�t stand a chance though cos of �er tits. Lily had enough to fill her swimsuit an� Carla's besides, yer know whatta mean. It were part o� the spectacle, yeah, seein� Lily swim upside down, defyin� the life jacket effect of �er tits. Anyway, it weren�t all bad news, yeah, cos what Carla lacked in the tit department she more than made up for in personality. An� legs too. She�s got lovely legs our Carla; long an� slim an� dead smooth. �ad, �ad great legs. Fuck.
Whatever, look, the way I see it yeah, I've gone and done �er a favour. Done somefin� good fer a change � an� about bleedin� time too, eh ma? Yeah, s�right, the boy done good. I mean if you people'd stop starin� at yer feet an� friggin� sniffin� like yer�ve got the snots or whatever� If you people�d get over yerselves for one friggin� minute, yeah, an� just look at �er, you'd see I�ve only gone an� given �er the tits she�s always wanted. Whoa! There, again, d�yer see that? Christ-a-friggin�-rama, �er chest definitely moved that time. Saw it wiv me own two eyes I did. Swelled wiv pride I reckon. Yeah, swelled wiv pride, like she was sayin�, �Good one bro, yer done good.�
Nah, �ho am I kiddin�. It was the friggin� wind liftin� the sheet weren� it, yer turnip. Desperate fer a fagette now I am. Yeah� a fag would go down nicely right now. Christ, wouldya look at me, scrabblin� about on me �ands an� knees lookin� fer fag ends. Fuck� it should� it should be me under that fuckin� sheet, yeah. I'm the loser what can't swim three strokes wivout fuckin� drownin�. An� this tie's fuckin� chokin� me now as well, yeah. Should�ve worn a proper shirt like what ma said. Feel a right dick in this T-shirt. Yeah, ma was right, should�ve shown more respect fer our Carla. She wouldn't've minded though, Carla. She got me, yeah. She�s the only one who really like understands fings about me, God love �er. Christ, look at it, it�s not even friggin� clean on. Bleedin� jam down the front from doin� the breakfasts. Ha, yer gotta larf �an�t yer or� We was always larfin�, me an� Carla� Not any more though. Fuck, this is fuckin� tragic this is. S�God �avin� a friggin� larf. S�God showin� losers like me, what waste their lives, we �ave to stay �ere longer �til we sort ourselves out. �Til we get our bleedin� heads round what it�s all about, life an� all that shit cos he ain�t interested in �avin� no dregs.
Wind's getting up; boat�s bobbin� about like I friggin� don�t know what. There�ll be folk chuckin� up left, right an� centre in a bit, just you wait �n� see; ma�ll love that. So �ow does this work then, anyway? What �appens now? They just like tip �er up �til she slides off or wha�? Best look away when they do that. Nah, I can�t look, can�t do it mate. Christ, all this wailin�s doin� me bleedin� �ead in. It ain�t dignified if yer�ask me. I need a drink. Got friggin� sea salt crustin� up me cake hole somefin� rotten. Yeah, I could murder a Guinness. Wonder if there�s a bar on board or a�
"� and so we commit Carla's body to the sea. May God�"
� bless �er an� all �ho sail in her. No� no that ain�t�that can�t be� Christ this is it, they�re really gonna do it. Come on Vinnie, wakey wakey, look lively look lively. This is yer moment Vinnie my man. I am the way, the truth an� the friggin� light! Time fer Vincent waste-of-friggin�-space Santos to play God. Let�s �ave it! Deep breaf now, but no lookin� yeah. Christ, I�ve a knot in me froat the size o�� o� bleedin� Margate. An� don�t you go blubbin� Vincent, yeah, don�t you bleedin� dare cos we don�t do cryin�, remember? Larfin�, yeah. Pissin� about, �avin� a larf an� Vincent�s yer man. I said no friggin� lookin�!! Oh what the fuck. Wait fer it wait fer it. Christ, yer can �ear a bleedin� pin drop. Oh nice one Carla, not even a splash babe � defo a 9.8 fer technical merit! Yeah, a pro to the end, that�s our Carla.
Orrh, wouldya look at �er, grinnin� up at us like that. Looks like Goldie Hawn wiv �er jaw wired she does. An� �er �air all fanned out like that? Glad I cut the bindin� off of �er �ead. Yeah, good finkin� that was. Woo woo � go fer yer life girl, show Lily over there �ow it�s done. Go on, lift yer arm or somefin�. Or� or yer leg then. Yeah, show us yer legs Carla, show us what lovely pins yer�ve got, all long an� slim an� everyfin�? All right well you� you just bob up an� down a bit then. But keep smilin� yeah. Don�t you ever stop smilin� Carla. I know the wa�er�s cold babe but you stop smilin� an�� an� yer�ll be like me yeah. Dead from the neck up, like what the ole man always says.
The funeral blokey�s givin� it large. Look at �im. She ain�t SINKIN� cos she ain�t DEAD, you muppet!! She never drowned yeah, she never. Lifeguard got it all wrong. Look, there she is yeah, large as bleedin� life, doin� �er stuff. Doin� what she�s good at wiv �er new tits. Our very own Esther Williams ma, just like you always said. Ma? What�re yer crying fo� yer soft tart? Oh don�t cry ma, please - bloody �ell! Look, our Carla's alive. I brought her back to life, yeah, fer you. I did it fer you, ma, an� the ole man. Cos� cos the way I see it yeah, some people just ain�t meant to die. People like our Carla. People so full o�life it makes you dizzy just standin� next to �em. And all deaf is, right, deaf, it�s just this like full stop at the end of a life sentence, yeah. So all I've gone an� done is� is re-punctunated Carla�s, made it a� a� whatever yer call them friggin� dot-dot fingies. Yeah, that�s it.
Funeral bloke�s got his bins out now to try an� see what�s what. You got it sussed yet Einstein? Worked it out �ave yer? Yeah, that�s it, it�s a friggin� life jacket what�s keepin� �er up. What? What yer lookin� at me like that for ma? I did it fer Carla� fer you, you an� the ole man so�s� so�s you�d be proud o�me. See, the boy done good at last, yeah. Let�s �ave it!!
