THE BEST SEX I EVER HAD
by Joshua James

Let me tell you about the best sex I ever had.

Now I�ve had lots of sex, believe you me, sex is something I know more than a little bit about, I�ve got the books, the training videos, I�ve done my homework. I�ve got the tools, I�ve got the technology, I�m like the six million dollar man only for less money and a smoother chest.

Bottom line, I�m an experienced sexual freak and I know what I�m talking about. I�ve had good sex, bad sex, good-bad sex and bad-good sex. I�ve had loads of sex.

But the sex I want to share with you is the story of the best sex I ever had, and when I say best I mean BEST. We�re not talking just PORN level-sex, we�re not talking just Gilligan-MaryAnne-And-Ginger-in-a-three-way level of sex, I mean, we�re talking Olympic-porn-star-floating-weightless-and-naked-on-the-Milleniumn-Falcon-as-the-death-star-explodes level of sex here, that�s the kind of sexual ecstasy were talking about and that I�m going to share with you tonight. I�m talking about UBER sex. Super-UBER-FANTASTICAL-SEX.

Hmmm. Wait a second. Hmmm.

You know what I just now realized?

I don�t have that much sex anymore.

It just now came to me.

I don�t even remember . . . Shit, when was the last time I had . . . Jesus, a long fucking time ago.

There�s a rule somewhere, where if you have to think how long it�s been since you�ve had sex, then it�s been TOO fucking long. Oh my God. What the hell has happened to me? Why haven�t I been having loads and loads of sex?

It�s not for lack of opportunities, I mean, come on, I�m a stud. I�m an obvious stud, so why aren�t I having truckloads of sex anymore?

Hmmm.

I know what it is.

It�s the news.

I watch the news all the time. Even when I�m not watching the news, I thinking about the news, I�m thinking �I wonder what�s on the news?�

It used to be all I thought about was sex, get a girl, get her into bed and get her to make the little squirrel noises. Even when I wasn�t having sex, I was watching sex on TV or the internet, looking to pick up pointers and tips, I was thinking about sex. I thought about sex all the time. That used to be my mission in life!

That used to be the pig in my whistle.

Now I watch CNN all day every day. I can barely think about sex because of all the news.

But can you blame me? Have you watched the news lately? It�s ridiculous, I�m afraid to NOT watch the news, I mean, my street could get blown up and I could end up stepping out into the radiation without knowing it unless I watch it on the news.

You got to watch the news, especially now that they�ve got everything color-coded and so you gotta watch every day just to keep track. Used to be that when the President gave a live speech on TV, that was prime fucking time. Who didn�t have sex when Clinton was giving a speech? You had to have sex when he was President, it was like a rule somewhere. Clinton talks, people fuck.

But now, when the doofus who�s got the job now has a speech, you have to pay attention because there�s no telling what that empty-headed dingleberry�s liable to do. Between him and the terrorists, it�s next to impossible to get a hard-on.

It�s not just me, everybody�s watching the news, men and women, watching and waiting for the next big thing, waiting for the next big shoe to drop, the next big BOOM.

I think I remember the exact moment it turned for me. Yes, I know when my sexual fat lady sang.

It wasn�t THE attack (you know the one) no, not that one, hell, after THAT attack happened I was so glad to be alive I was having sex every five minutes.

No, it was a couple years later, when they caught bin Laden�s number one guy, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, you heard remember that, right? It was on the news everywhere. Other than bin Laden himself, he was the number one terrorist out there, integral to the planning of THE attack. You know the attack I�m talking about. He planned the first one and the one before that and was probably planning loads more when he got nicked.

Remember what he looked like, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed? Did you see his picture? If not, take a quick moment and have a look � just go here.

You�ve seen this picture, right? Did you get a good look?

This guy fascinated me. Look at him. Look at him. Involved in blowing up a whole lot of innocent people. Looks like he wants to kill even more.

Now here�s a guy that needs to get laid.

I think if he got laid more, maybe he wouldn�t have killed so many people.

Maybe he figured, �I�m a fat ugly hairy bastard, so instead of making a positive contribution to world I�ll become a terrorist and blow everybody up.�

That�s probably what happened.

Here�s what I thought was interesting. This guy doesn�t look like a terrorist, really, he�s not that different than the guy that�s servicing your car, selling you insurance, he doesn�t have that other-worldly, smiling insane look Osama bin Laden always on his mug, this guy looks like a half dozen guys you�d run into in any bar.

And then I thought . . . wait a minute.

Don�t you think he looks exactly like Ron Jeremy?

I think he looks exactly like the porn star Ron Jeremy, you know him, right? Looks just like him!

They could be Goddamn twins, they could. Imagine, if we could have just hooked Khalid Sheikh Mohammed up with Ron Jeremy, maybe they could have become buddies, teamed up, made a bunch of twin brother porn movies, sort of like the Van Damme action movies but with porn instead of kickboxing, we could�ve had Khalid do that and maybe he wouldn�t have been so angry at the world.

I mean, Ron Jeremy gets laid A LOT, if you don�t believe me, take a second to look at his resume� � here it is.

Ron�s done almost two thousand porn films and look at the fucking smile on his face. Look at him, look at Ron Jeremy, that�s one happy fucking guy, Ron Jeremy.

Ron Jeremy never blew shit up. Ron Jeremy never killed innocent people. Ron Jeremy just made a lot of dough for having sex with beautiful women.

Khalid could have been like that. Laid and idolized by frat boys everywhere. Instead Khalid�s picture and face was plastered in the news everywhere and Ron Jeremy was probably really pissed off at the time of the arrest.

I wonder how many other nasty, murderous not-getting-laid-so-instead-I�ll-blow-shit-up-type guys like this are out there. I wonder when we�ll see them on the news.

I wonder what�s on the news right now.

Who can think about great sex at a time like this?

How can I talk to you about the best sex I ever had when next week, or tomorrow, or tonight or even in ten minutes, the world as we know it might suddenly cease to be and we might not be here anymore?

I guess that I can�t.

I�m sorry.

� Joshua James
Reproduced with permission

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