SELECTED
PROSE
by Ian Dowson

'STAND APART'

Yer can never predict when it�ll happen. It�s pointless tryin to do that. Even when a�m busy like workin in the pub on a Saturday just concentratin on people�s orders and tidyin up the pots tryin hard not to lose me temper with the arseholes who treat yer like a skivvy....like shit on their shoes....guzzlin away at the Fosters �n Carlsberg searchin for fun at the bottom of a glass and just findin themselves starin back. Even amongst all this it�ll happen a flash of white.... and then some small detail from the accident like looking down and seein me feet swinging two feet from the floor....not a huge distance but enough....enough to stand apart.

Friday night and a stand apart....knockin back the Carling, sippin on the brandy, watchin the boys gather, each to their own, some drunk some not, some loud, braggin �n boastin, mostly bullshit....all part of the ritual, gettin everyone worked up, revved up. A don�t mind .....brandy and atmosphere start to flow, head starts to buzz....A shift me weight from foot to foot....shadow box....remindin meself not to go steamin in like a demented dog....pick out a face.....focus....connect. As we walk through Boldon a stay away from the mob....two or three of us up at the front....a hate crowds....hate the mess �n confusion all the edgy twats who yer can�t trust....let them get on with it....don�t rely on them....don�t rely on noone. On Friday nights we fight....don�t ask me why?

After the accident, when a�d come out of the coma they told me that there�d been no damage....said that they couldn�t find anything wrong. When a got back to school though there was plenty wrong. People looked at me....stared....watched everything a did. page 2 S. Apart A wanted everything to be normal but it wouldn�t go away....that feelin in the back of me head that something was wrong....words blurred in front of me eyes, sums just wouldn�t add up, like a deep grey fog had seeped into me brain makin it hard to see. A was scared....scared of lettin on....that everyone would call me mental....the daft spaka who hung himself. A knew what was wrong but covered it up, tried to bury it ....but it wouldn�t go away. A felt it in me gut, twistin �n turnin....makin uz angry, losin me temper at every turn....lashin out at the nearest target....fucked off with the world and his dog. And noone understood, apart from me mam, to everyone else a was just another Redhouse bad boy kickin off. And that is what a became....mebees what a always would hav been....mebees.

Four years ago a stood on top of me bunk bed tryin to be Bruce Lee. A June afternoon, bright sun streaming through the window like a floodlight. A wore a bandanna and practised moves, exhaled rushes of breath for sound effects. Just a kid playin. At some point the bandanna had slipped from me head to me neck and when a jumped off the bed, to get me tea, it snagged on the bed post and held me tight until a blacked out. A can�t remember anything else but they tell me that me face was so white and me lips so blue that they thought someone had painted them on. A was in a coma for three weeks and sometimes a wish that a could sleep like that now....instead of lying in bed every night....awake, alone....apart.

� Ian Dowson

Reproduced with permission

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'THE BEST TIMES'

Sometimes a�ll watch him from me bedroom window as he walks around the yard in silence, moving bits of metal from one place to another, starin at them then moving them back again....starin....wonderin....avoidin me and me mam....all part of the ceremony. Then a�ll remember what the yard used to be like....summer nights and the sound of deep voices and laughter driftin up to me bedroom....Dad �n me brother �n all their mates Terry, Steve, Alan �n Darren suppin lager, spliffin, tellin stories....our Carl�s latest TWOC the centre of attention....Dad gettin details weighin up the options. Him �n Carl....father �n son....best mates.

Carl was my best mate �n all....everybody�s best mate. When he died he left a hole....a huge black hole in everyone�s heart. A remember the day of his funeral....lookin over me shoulder as the cars drew away from the house....seein me dad, unable to take it, left standin on the doorstep....all of a sudden his face like a child�s....lost, frightened, crumpled.

A had a lot to live up to. At school the family name stuck like glue. All the teachers could see was me Dad �n Carl....spat me name at me like it was poison. All a could do was spit back....their words hurt....cursin Carl when he was six feet under....knowin there�d be no comeback....knowin that would wind uz up....fast track to expulsion.

At home things got worse. Others died. The back yard growin silent as Dad�s friends faded away....Cancer....Smack....Tamazies and Drink....silent killers. A started taken �e� at first for fun and then to escape. It felt like it was helpin....it wasn�t. TBT page 2. A closed off . Shrunk away from the family....isolated meself....convinced meself that noone could help....convinced meself that a didn�t need help. A got pregnant....a one off drunken accident....lookin for attention, lookin for fun. Nothin prepares yer for that positive result. People helped....offered opinions �It�s your choice but....but....but....� But a had an abortion. Mam was strong.... Dad still doesn�t know all the details.

A�ve been through some shit but a always knew that a didn�t want to be a total fuck up. That much a knew....knew that a owed meself , me mam, me dad. A�m on this project now....learnin again....growin in confidence. For fucks sake a�ve even started readin books at home. Doin it meself....independent. A see responsibilities now....to mam �n dad obviously....but also me nephew....another Carl....me brother�s son. And even as a watch Dad�s silent ceremony in the yard, a know that these are the best times since..........

� Ian Dowson
Reproduced with permission

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MORE OF IAN'S INFLUENCES: Part 2:

THE FRENCH REVOLUTION

Click title to visit the Liberty, Equality, Fraternity: Exploring the French Revolution website; for the French Revolution Links Page, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

THE INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION

Click title to read about the Industrial Revolution on the Internet Modern History Sourcebook website; for an award winning Educational Reference site on Teacher Net, covering aspects of the Industrial Revolution, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

Click title to visit the Ernest Hemingway: His Life and Work website; to visit the website of the Hemingway Resource Centre, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

JOHN HUSTON

Click title for a profile of Huston on the Film Noir Directors website; for Robert Emmet Long's review of 'John Huston: The Interviews' on the Pop Matters website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON

Click title for Todd McCarthy's profile of Anderson on the Esquire website; for Cynthia Fuchs interview with Anderson on the Pop Matters website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

DAVID MAMET

Click title to visit the official website of the David Mamet Society; for Richard Covington's Salon.com interview with Mamet, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

TAKESHI KITANO

Click title for Tim Foster's review of Kitano's 'Zatoichi' on The New Review section of this site; for Bob Davis's profile of Kitano on the Senses of Cinema website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

THE FRENCH CONNECTION

Click title for an article on the film on the Filmsite; for a profile and links related to the film on the Gone Movies website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

JAWS

Click title to visit the official Jaws website; for Angry Alien's excellent animation, Jaws in 30 Seconds Re-enacted by Bunnies, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

ALIEN

Click title to watch the trailer for Alien: The Director's Cut on the Apple website; for Charles Cassady's article, 'Revisiting Ridley Scott's Alien 24 Years On' on the Ohio Free Times website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

KEN LOACH

Click title for a short profile of Loach on the Film Profiles section of this site; for the BFI Ken Loach Virtual Gallery, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

MIKE LEIGH

Click title for a short profile of Leigh on the Film Profiles section of this site; for a conversation with Leigh on the Salon.com website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

SHANE MEADOWS

Click title for a short profile of Meadows on the Film Profiles section of this site; for Stephen Applebaum's interview with Meadows on the Brit Movie website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

HUSKER DU

Click title to visit the Husker Du Database website; for a profile of the band on the Granary Music website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

FRANK O'HARA

Click title to visit the official Frank O'Hara website; for the EPC Frank O'Hara Author Page, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

JAMES WRIGHT

Click title for a biography and links relating to Wright on the Poetry Exhibits website; for a selection of Wright's poems and a biography on the Poetry Connection website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

BISHOP AUCKLAND

Click title to visit the This is Bishop Auckland website; to read about the history of Bishop Auckland on the The North East website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

BYKER

Click title to read about Byker on the Time Archive website; to read about the Byker redevelopment on the Great Buildings website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

EVENWOOD

Click title for images of Evenwood on the Teesdale website; to have a look through the hotels Evenwood has to offer on the Knowhere website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

ASIAN CINEMA

Click title to visit the Asian Cinema Weekly website; for the Asian Film Connections website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

IRVINE WELSH

Click title to visit Irvine Welsh's official website; for David Weich's Powells.com interview with Welsh, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

ALAN WARNER

Click title for a biography, bibliography and critical perspective of Warner on the British Council's Contemporary Writers website; for Larry Weissman's Bold Type interview with Warner on the Random House website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

LAURA HIRD

Click title for Jill Adams' interview with me on the Barcelona Review website; for a selection of my publications and work in translation on this website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

NIALL GRIFFITHS

Click title for Graham Rae's review of Griffiths' 'Sheepshagger' on The New Review section of this site; to read about Griffiths's Top 10 Welsh Books on the Guardian Unlimited website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

PAULINE KAEL

Click title for Ken Tucker's Salon.com profile of Kael; for 'Criticism as an Art,' a selection of articles by Kael on the Cinemazine website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

NEWCASTLE UNITED FOOTBALL CLUB

Click title to visit the official Newcastle United website; for official and unofficial NUFC news on the Fans FC website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

GEORGE BEST

Click title to read Hunter Davies's 2002 New Statesman interview with Best; to visit the George Best Page tribute site, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

PELE

Click title for a profile of Pele on the Latino Sports website; to read about Pele on the International Football Hall of Fame website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

JOHAN CRUYFF

Click title to visit the website of the Johan Cruyff Foundation; for Johan Cruyff's official website, click here or for related items on Amazon, click here

PLUS:

Grandad, mam, dad, wife, children, Platini, Zidane, red wine, Guinness, mates, Inter City rail travel (circa �82/83/84), the weather, sleep and dreams

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