The waxy body slithered onto Jessica’s sweat ridden skin - its head lodging heavily between her bare breasts. She strained her head downwards to look at his face for the first time her arms tightening their grip so that he did not slide off her onto the sticky rubber sheet on which she lay. His head moved clumsily from side to side as he too tried to gaze at his new surroundings through unfocused eyes. Jessica pulled him towards her his warm slippery body sliding over her like a seal on pack ice. The smell was primeval - rich, earthy and ancient. In an instant she was like a wolf, fearsome and overcome with need to protect and nurture. Chemicals raced round her brain and for the first time in her life she felt she knew exactly why she had been put on the earth. Saliva ran freely into her mouth and in a moment of uncontrollable passion she wanted to lick him clean. Voices shrieked in her head “Just one lick” they screamed “ Clean him! That is what you are meant to do. Right now ! This is the moment! Lick him! Lick! Lick! ” Her teeth clenched and she looked at the face of the midwife who was staring at her.
“Are you ok Jessica”
Jessica pulled away from him and the incredible moment was gone.
Josh died two days later. The doctor told her there was something wrong with his lungs. She sat on a moulded plastic chair across a dove grey desk and he had told her not to worry, she had plenty time for more children and the chances of this happening again were very small. His solemn voice had drifted over her open file, a white telephone and a small bunch of freesia in a black glass vase. He had tried to sound comforting but Jessica had taken more comfort from the soft petals that she had focused on throughout the appointment.
She caught the train home barely seeing or hearing anything during the journey. How did he know she would have another child? He didn’t know her at all. He didn’t know how Josh’s father had done a runner the minute he had found out she was pregnant. He was ten years older than her and had not wanted children. In fact Jessica now wondered what she saw in him at all. Pot bellied and greying and with more than a touch of irritable male syndrome pulsing through his veins. Her eyes glazed over and her head fell back into the meagre upholstery of her seat.
It was not until she got home and wandered into the nursery that her vision became clear again. The nursery was just as it had been the day before she went into labour. It was white with a wooden floor warmed in the centre by a persian rug. A dark oak crib hung silently in one corner and a changing cabinet stood underneath the window that overlooked the garden. A ladder backed chair was placed just to one side. Jessica had got that last minute and planned to sit there and feed Josh as she watched the seasons change and her baby grow. Instead she looked out onto the first snowfall of winter. It would be Christmas in two weeks time.
The days passed slowly each one running into the other. Jessica spent them in bed drifting in and out of restless sleep. The whole house sat in darkness, all curtains closed all doors locked and all telephone calls left unanswered. She left her bed only to use the bathroom and feed her cat Ebony who was expecting kittens. Jessica wondered if her cat would make a better mother. She scoured her brain repeatedly wondering what she had done wrong, trying to make sense of his death and every time her increasingly wayward reasoning led her back to one fact. If she had cleaned him, if she had said stuff you to the hospital staff and done the right thing by him he would have been here today. That had been her moment - a moment in her life when she had found that most basic instinct - one that had been inbuilt into the human race a long time ago but one that seemed to be hideous in a modern world. Josh had been alright till then. She had let him down because she was frightened of what others would think.
Jessica dreamed a vivid dream that night. Again she lay on the hospital bed and her baby was placed onto her chest. She felt his soft, slippery skin on hers. He wriggled, his arms and legs splayed and warm slithered across her skin. Once again she was filled with the desire to lick away the waxy vernix that had protected him as he floated in her belly. Her jaws opened and her quivering tongue licked his cheek. The taste was bitter and salty yet it excited and satisfied her. Her extended tongue caressed his tiny parted lips tearing away thick, sticky mucous, clearing his mouth and nostrils so that he breathed in warm dry air. The smell of her womb drove her on frantically cleansing every inch of his pure body. She saw herself sitting in the nursery. It was spring and through the window she could see the buds of the new year bulging on the tips of tree branches and the daffodils packed in clumps and ready to burst open with Easter colour. She sat content in her sensible chair and watched Josh sleeping.
The following morning Jessica woke early. She showered and dressed and eased open the thick brocade curtains in her room. Snow had fallen thickly in the past few days and the garden stretched out in front of her like an undulating arctic wasteland - pure and untouched. Jessica felt hunger - she hadn’t eaten for days and headed for the kitchen. Throwing rashers of bacon on to the grill she became aware of the feel of the raw meat between her fingers. It was cold yet appealingly wet and sticky. She pulled a piece from one of the rashers and chewed. Saliva flowed into her mouth as she savoured the saltiness and squelching between her teeth. She chewed slowly and swallowed relishing in the feel of the solid mass as it passed the back of her throat and slid into her gullet.
Half an hour later Jessica pushed the lounge door open. Heavy velvet drapes blocked out every bit of pure winter light and she switched on the light. Her eyes narrowed and she squinted at first but as she became accustomed to the light she gazed at the Christmas decorations that adorned every inch of the room. She had gone overboard this year. It was to have been her child’s first Christmas and she had wanted everything to be perfect. She had done it early too - given herself plenty of time in case he came early. The room was large but cosy. Traditional furniture sat grandly on a burgundy carpet. A huge Victorian fireplace claimed the centre of one wall elaborately garnished with tinsel, bows and candles. Over it hung a magnificent mirror with a rococo frame embraced by golden cherubs. The mantle piece was crammed full of cards and a large clock garniture sat proudly in its centre. To one side was a huge Christmas tree its branches laden with brightly coloured baubles and lights. Jessica switched on the candle lights, the glow reflecting in her face, and for one moment she felt warmth. This was followed swiftly by a nauseous wave of guilt.
An hour later an enormous fire roared in the grate warming every corner of the room and with the curtains now neatly folded back and a low wintry sun permeating into the room all could have seemed to be back to normal.
Jessica’s cat, Ebony, was glad to see her. Her bulbous heavy body purred and walked from side to side rubbing herself hard against Jessica’s legs as the latter sat gazing into the flickering flames. Ebony jumped up onto her knee, baring her claws and pummelling Jessica’s thighs. Jessica felt the claws piercing her skin rhythmically and felt comforted. The stinging hurt but she wanted to feel pain. It took away her numbness and she wanted more. She stroked the cat and the cat purred louder.
It was seven in the evening when Ebony began to give birth. The curtains were once again closed and the room was hot and stifling. The cat growled deeply in her basket pounding its cushioned floor. Her heavy belly undulated as it tensed and relaxed with her contractions. She stood hunched, back arched and screamed as the first bag slithered out and hit the bloodied cushion followed by a thick purple umbilical cord. Ebony turned and began to chew through the sinewy strand cocking her head from one side to the other so that the cord fell and was severed more easily on her back molars. Once severed she concentrated on cleaning the gelatinous bag from her first born with her pink rasping tongue.
With her body curled round the basket Jessica lay wide eyed on the floor watching as the cat cleaned her kitten. Her nostrils flared as the smell of birth wafted towards them - rich and rancid. Saliva poured into her mouth and across her impatient tongue. Nine kittens later Ebony sat in front of the fire scratching deep into the fibres of the fireside rug relishing its softness. She flicked out a paw and licked it, rubbing it round her face and ears. Her head swivelled sideways to cast an eye to the squealing basket and her tail lolled angrily from side to side behind her.
Jessica still lay cocooning the basket. Her body moved rhythmically as she breathed through contented sleep. In the dying glow from the fire the faint smears of blood round her mouth could hardly be seen.
