October 26, 2004, and two friends want to put a tribute on a John Peel messageboard.
Characters
Roger
Nick
Adrian
Livvy
Kev
Adele
Double up Adrian/Kev and Livvy/Adele.
Act 1
1
Music room of suburban house, just about anywhere, even Australia.
On left, desk with laptop, phone and chair.
On right, two-seater sofa.
Cupboard door on left.
Frame for bicycle (think Seinfeld) back right.
Big fuck off screen.
Cast come and go back right. No door.
Blackout.
On screen (text)
Page 1 of 3
Nick (looking up from notebook) Trendification, that a word?
Page 2 of 3
Roger (shakes head) What you trying to say?
Page 3 of 3
Nick (reads) It's the trendification I can't stand.
Fade in/out Totally Wired. 2'17 to 2'37.
Screen shows constant red light and green light flashing four times.
Few seconds.
Phone rings twice. Answering machine. Laurie Anderson's O Superman.
Laurie Hi, I'm not here right now. But if you want to leave a message, just start talking at the end of the tone.
Red light flashes. Green light disappears.
Nick (phone) You there? (Pause.) Look, I'm taking the kids down the baths. (Pause.) I'll be round once Carla gets in. (Anxious.) Phone me. Phone the mobile. Just phone me.
Red light constant. Green light flashes five times.
Few seconds.
Roger enters. Wearing winter cycling clothes, he's carrying, over his shoulder, a lightweight racing cycle. He hangs the cycle on its frame.
Screen off.
Stage lights.
Roger notices phone. He goes over and activates messages. Starts to get changed.
Nick (phone) You heard? (Pause. Roger stops. ) Peel's dead. (Pause.) Phone me. Phone when you get in.
Adrian (phone) Hi, Rog. It's Adrian. (Pause.) This has just come through from the BBC. (Pause.) Veteran broadcaster John Peel has died on holiday in Peru. He was 65. I don't know what to say. I really don't know what to say.
Nick (phone) You there? I can't handle this. I truly cannot handle this.
Fourth message blank.
Nick (phone) You there? (Pause.) Look, I'm taking the kids down the baths. (Pause.) I'll be round once Carla gets in. Anxious.) Phone me. Phone the mobile. Just phone me.
Roger bursts out crying.
Lights down.
2
Lights up.
Two people on stage.
Roger (at desk, changed into trackie bottoms and t-shirt) Here's one, a good one. Aidan from The Strap. (Reads.) Nobody gets to live for ever, but maybe John Peel should've.
Nick (jeans and polo shirt, on one knee, with pen and A4 notepad) Can't say fairer than that.
(Exasperated.) You got anything?
Roger Right. (Reads slow.) For over thirty years now I've been listening, and, guaranteed, every show, maybe even two or three times a show, I would hear something that would make me want to rush out and buy it. I would often imagine a young, first time listener feeling the same way. And they wouldn't yet know this, but I would know, how for them, it would be one of those moments: like the first time you read a really good book; the first time you do something good at sport; or even the first time you get off with somebody. One of those moments when you go: I like this, I don't really understand why I like it, but I like it. Well, with Peel, that feeling never stopped. Every show, maybe even two or three times a show, for over thirty years. And now I'm thinking, that just isn't going to happen again.
Pause.
Roger Well? Sign it Roger and Nick and hit send?
Nick shakes head.
Roger No?
Nick Lame.
Roger Lame?
Nick Lame and wanky. Too lame. Too wanky. (Half gets up.) Can I put a tune on?
Roger (huffy) No.
Look at each other.
Lights down.
3
Lights up.
Positions swapped.
Nick You played a tune?
Roger Nah. Had the the radio on, then a certain somebody appeared, bawling all manner of abuse, (sarcastic) and I figured maybe it was for the best if I just put the thing off.
Nick (heads off stage) Come on. Last thing you need on a day like this is some gimmick-obsessed, chummy hopeful jabbering on about something he knows next to nothing about. (Smug.)Did they make mistakes? Bet they made mistakes. Bet they (incoherent) ...
Roger (back to desk) They tried. They were reading out loads offof this. (Computer.) Teenage Kicks would come on every hour and half hour. I'd start blubbing again.
Nick (returns with bottles of beer) Least you could, least you could blub. I've got the kids going, what's wrong, dad, what's the matter? And they know, they can tell, they know something's wrong, they know something's the matter, then they're getting all upset. Nightmare. (Gives bottle of beer to Roger.) Took them down the baths and said to the guy, look I've just had some bad news, go and please keep an eye on them. Guy was really good about it. Spent a fair bit of time with them. I could not stop crying. Sitting up there, trying to hide myself, blubbing my eyes out. What a state.
Roger After I phones you, I phones the family. (Anxious.) Alright, dad? No complaints, no? Everybody fine, aye? (End anxious.) Then I'd my shower. Blubbing all the way. Had a cup-a-soup. Couldn't finish it. Couldn't finish a flaming cup-a-soup. Still blubbing. Thing was, I'd such a great day, too. Of all things, I was thinking about holidays, all the places I could go. I was actually thinking about Tokyo.
Nick Was swithering whether to give your mobile a phone, but thought, no. You could've been anywhere. Not exactly ideal circumstances, is it? Just like the thing, I'd tell you, two minutes later... (animated) splat!
Roger looks at Nick.
Nick (returns to knee and notebook.) Know what I was thinking?
Roger Aye, me being… (animated) splat! (Couthy.) Know what they say about bad news and threes, two down, one to go.
Nick Was trying to put all this into some kind of perspective: the 20th century, right, and how, much as anything, it was all to do with your posh boys, seriously posh boys, seriously young posh boys - can never forget how young these boys were - who heard some blues, a bit jazz, got the Saul on the road to Damascus vibe, had a look round, and said, that, that's what I'm after. And nothing was ever the same. None of this six months of slumming it, rebelling against mummy and daddy carry on. Different times. These guys were sharp. Inspired. Wanting to do something. What was it he said again? "Righting those wrongs which I feel should be righted." Anyway, these boys, Dylan, Morrison, the Velvets: all posh boys; all well educated. They had that grounding. And Peel's like them. He was a posh boy. And he's up with them. Every bit as important.
Roger That voice of his, when he first started out. (Nasal, high pitched.) KOMA (as letters) out of Oklahoma City with its finger firmly on the pulse of the English scene.
Nick Said it himself: minor member of the royal family. (Discards notebook.) Was talking about this the other week. How his kids would phone asking him how to spell things, and he would know. He would always know. And the only thing he could attribute this to was his education. Lot to be said for it.
Roger (gets up, collects notebook and planks self on sofa) What, bullies and beatings and God-fearing, King and country nonsense? You'd never've put up with that.
Nick But at least I'd be able to spell. See if I'd the money, I'd pack my kids off. Too right I would. Look, compare it with what we got. You remember anything from school? Eh, remind me, did we ever once get homework? Don't think so. Did we ever get encouragement? Must be joking. Peel said there was one guy, Brooke, the Reverend Brooke, who took him aside, sat him down, and said, look, son, academically, you're never going to make the grade, but you've interests, do something with them. Imagine anybody ever saying that to us?
Roger Thing I've always thought with that story, the Brooke one: like it was a lesson in itself, setting the example - I'm taking interest in you, now off you go, toddle off, young Johnny, by all means do your thing, but bear in mind - take interest in others. That's how come posh folk can do the social chameleon bit. They take interest, they listen. (Looking at notepad.) D'you think he'd pals, Peel had pals?
Nick How d'you mean?
Roger (reads) Never again will I be able to phone my mate up and say, did you hear Peel last night. (Stops reading.)D'you think he'd pals he'd phone and talk about records with? And by the way, you've spelt RIP wrong. As indictments of education systems go...
Nick Nah, when he heard a tune, he would be wanting to play it on the show. Same way I'm on the phone to you, you're on the phone to me, when he heard something, it would be like him being on the phone to us, playing it. S'pose, over the years, he'd've met a lot of (dread words) suits, biz types - bad hair, crap clothes, the brains behind the briefly touted - people who, don't get me wrong, are probably basically alright, but who've vested interest. See, that's what we'd in common with him. No vested interest. No loyalty. His job was to listen to every single record that came out - every single record that got sent to him, every single record he went out and bought - and put together programmes. Simple as. And he did it brilliantly, magnificently. Nobody would've done what he did. Nobody. He liked what he liked. Same as us. I'm like you, older I get, more I hate talking about music. Something I never do. It's like arguing with stupid folk. What you supposed to say? Folk ask what you like. Oh, I like a broad spectrum, I like my techno, my Northern, my this, my that. There's too much. You’re as well to pick something out the chart and change the subject.
Roger Say The Fall, it's like... (surrender gesture)
Nick (heads over to desk) Would never mention The Fall. Only time I talk about The Fall is with you.
Roger (pause, ironic as fuck) Wonder what Smithy's saying to it.
Nick (ironic-er) Wonder, eh?
On screen, Newsnight picture of Smithy.
Roger We'd phone virtually every night.
Nick All the time. And, thing is, we'd both know exactly what it was the other was going to say.
Roger Try and catch each other out.
Nick (laughs) I know. (Pause.) Latterly, I think he was alright with mates, Peel. Dame Delia was a mate. That twat, him with the hair, him that used to be on the telly, he was a mate. Happens when you get older. You get on with folk you've nothing in common with. You're okay with seeing folk once every couple of years and they're still your mates. But see when he was younger, nah. Remember Bolan. Bolan was his best mate, too. And that's when Bolan's records were dire, the worst of hippy nonsense. Then Bolan became mega, everything he did was a peach, and, guess what?
Roger Peel dumped him.
Nick Cause Bolan never kept in touch. (Looks through records. Covers on screen. {Maybe} He had this theory - and I don't know if all this is where it comes from - that when you started out making records, it was because these records needed to be made. They're the best, the ones that have to be made, the ones fuelled by rage, frustration, even hatred. People forget this, and regardless how it comes over, ugly, beautiful, whatever, as much as anything, the best (dread word) art comes from hatred, hard hatred, loathing and bile. Then you get your pandering: cue the bad hair and the crap clothes boys. (Conspiring.) Look, here's a bunch of money, you've a couple weeks, know what you could do... (End conspiring.) Then your lottery-losing, oxygen-bandits. The man and woman in the street? I’ve met them. He’s a cunt. She’s a cunt. (Whiny.) Go and be like so and so. Why can't you be like so and so? Oh, go on. (End whiny.) All well and good, but Peel said it as if it was a given. You grow up. You make crap records. You lose the plot. But pop's not about theory. He'd've known that better than anybody. It confounds theory.
Roger There were things he never liked that we liked. And it would always be, I cannot like this because… Like he'd the checklist. And if something didn't tick with the checklist, then no way, no matter how good it was, was he going to play it.
Nick (returns to desk) Certain acts, and even then you couldn't tell. Could never second guess him.
Roger Never liked Springsteen. Mind that time when Darkness came out, he even played a track. End of it, he goes, (crap accent) obviously been listening to Graham Parker (end crap accent), like he'd tippled some secret formula.
Nick Remember that. Intensely grudgeful. Walters dug him up for not playing Springsteen. Said, but he's popular. Peel goes, so what, so was Hitler.
Roger Think he got hurt with the whole Bolan thing. Mind they were all still young then. Same way you could upset me when we were younger.
Nick And you, me.
Roger Be over nothing as well, eh?
Nick Yeah.
Roger Yeah.
Looks go back and forth. Maybe past problems weren't "over nothing".
Roger looks at Nick. Nick looks away. Nick looks at Roger. Roger looks away.
Nick Funny though, with our mates that've been successful, the ones that got away, they're alright, they're still the same, they've never changed.
Roger Yeah, but we never hear of them, we only see them, and that's your once every couple of years. It's more like when I hear somebody talking about you. Person they're on about is kind of removed. Could be anybody.
Nick Never meet your heroes. That was one of his. All this (computer) is wonderful, right, brilliant, but know what's wrong?
Roger Full of mistakes?
Nick Allowing for the mistakes. It's near all nostalgia. He was never a nostalgia man. Just because you recognise something, remember something, doesn’t mean it’s any good. Never into that. Was up-to-date as anything.
Roger Yeah, know, but... Know what I'd love right now though? To put on a programme, a whole programme, from when we first got into him. I want to laugh at him.
Nick (closes laptop) Was only on, what, once a week, twice a week, for an hour. Used to play all these bad, folksy singer-songwriters.
Roger Nah, he'd play the odd bit Jamaican. Bit German here and there.
Nick Then every night for an hour.
Roger Which coincided with us getting our own income, the punk rock wars, and ...
Nick … going to two hours a night. That's when it all kicked off. Discovering the joys of mail order. Always reading out addresses. Every link. Know I still get excited by the post? All stems from then. I hover. Carla says to me, what you doing? I say, I'm waiting on the post. That time we went to London, took a walk down Berwick St. We thought we'd just stroll in, introduce ourselves, everybody would know who we were, and we'd have some new best pals?
Roger Yeah, and we bottled it.
Nick (opens laptop) Nah. What was that about never meeting your heroes? We made a considered decision.
Roger You'd go to record shops, do your hour and a half lingering, eventually buy what you'd went in for, then when you left you'd go, oh no, there was something else. But you'd be way too embarrassed to go back, so you'd end up trekking over to Woolies, asking there.
Nick And, sure as, behind Woolies' counter, would be some lassie from school.
Roger Never a major girl impresser.
Nick I'm still like that, too. And I talk to the guys. But I'm too, whatever, to go back and ask. As if you're like that with any other kind of shopping.
Roger That's when we started taping all the shows, all the sessions. And after the last tune, you'd leave the tape running. Next again day, when you played it back, the extra bit - cause you'd be wanting to hear his voice, cause you knew he'd’ve said something good - you'd come across something tucked away at the end, something way better than what you were originally wanting. Course, nine times out of ten it'd be reggae...
Nick ... and you're firing off cheques to Daddy Kool and Dub Vendor. Nothing better than a night in to yourself playing tunes. Old stuff. New stuff. Everything. (Grudging.) Like when you've folk round - the only thing that makes visitors bearable, Carla's family and her pals. Any that lot appear, I just bunker down and make up tapes for them. And, thing is, they're all like appreciative, grateful.
Roger Education, eh. The boy Brooke would be proud of you, son.
Nick It is. It's like I've gave them homework. They play them. They talk about them. But see some the things they've never heard of... (Distracted.) Hold on. There's a guy here who's did the same as me.
Roger What, spelt RIP wrong?
Nick Check this out. (Roger consults notebook.) Previous page. Other side. Wait t'you hear this. (Reads.) Every night me and my wife would settle the kids, tidy up, get things ready for the morning, open a bottle of red, and listen to the first hour of the Peel show. (Stops reading.) Same as me and Carla. Now, listen, listen to this. Same as me and Carla. (Reading.) At midnight, without fail, we'd go to bed and I'd stick in a C-120. The following day I'd play the tape while driving to and from work. Today has been awful. I feel like I've had an amputation. I know everything's going to be alright, but it's never going to be the same. My thoughts go out to Shiela and the family. (Stops reading.) That is bizarre. (Pause.) You alright?
Roger Yeah. One of those something in the eye moments.
Nick What, the amputation?
Roger When you mentioned Shiela. Poor woman. News is on in a few minutes.
Nick Must be catching. I've just had one your something in the eye moments. Somebody down here's written, When an old cricketer leaves the crease. That's all they've said.
Roger Top tune.
Nick You got it?
Roger Course. Bought it when it came out.
Nick (shakes head) Pish. You never did.
Roger Did so.
Nick Nonsense. Utter nonsense. No way. (Roger shrugs.) Only thing you ever lie about, too. You never bought it when it came out.
Pause.
Roger I've just realised.
Nick Yeah?
Roger You were asking, had I played a tune. Well, that's the one. That's the tune I want to play.
Nick An Old Cricketer? Haven't heard it for years.
Roger (gets record) Right, play the tune and watch the news?
Nick Fair enough. For Sheila?
Roger Yeah. And no twangy guitars on this one either, I'm afraid. (Mumbles.) And I fucking did buy it when it came out.
Music.
Picture of Roy Harper’s record.
Lights down.
On screen (text).
Page 1 of 3
Roger We used to dump folk out our lives.
Nick All the time.
Page 2 of 3
Pause.
Page 3 of 3
Roger (laughs) We've known some fannies, eh?
Nick (laughs) Total fuds.
4
Lights up.
Four people on stage.
Adrian at computer. Livvy on comfortable chair. Adrian/Livvy kitted out like the Tiso couple. Roger and Nick sit centrally on folding chairs, polishing off takeaways. Roger finishes first.
Livvy The way you pair eat...
Adrian You race, don't you? Admit it, you race.
Roger/Nick = denial
Nick No, but that was really good of you. Thanks. Really needed that. You forget about things like eating.
Adrian Livvy's idea.
Livvy Adrian's money. Just remembered that story, the Billy Bragg one, about the mushroom biryani.
On screen
One night, the then unknown Billy Bragg, heard John say he fancied a mushroom biryani, prompting Billy to deliver a takeaway - and a copy of his record - to Broadcasting House.
Thought it would be appropriate. Well, appropriate as anything. (To Nick.) And we're so glad you decided to join us. Just wouldn't be the same without you.
Nick squirms.
Adrian How you getting on with your messageboard?
Roger/Nick = negative
Adrian Don't have to be too wordy. (Reads.) This man's got away with sixty five years of sheer brilliance, until now. (Palms out.)
Roger No, that's a line... The Fall and…
Nick (gloats) Well... Come on. Come on. Have to hurry you.
Pause.
Nick Prole Art Threat. (Half gets up.) Can I put a tune on?
Roger (huffy) No.
On screen
outFall /`outfol\ vt. to humiliate.
Livvy Wonder what Smithy's saying to it.
Adrian Wonder, eh.
Newsnight photo of Smithy.
Adrian (consulting notebook) What's "Camber Story"?
Nick Camber Story? That was a wild one. That was first night of the first Camber. Me and him were downstairs for Godspeed! Wasn't that busy. Mean plenty bodies, but it was comfortable, good-sized space. Most folk were upstairs for Belle and Sebby. (Gets up.) So, what it is, right, we're like this. (Folds arms.) And who should come over and stand beside us, right beside us, but Peel, the man himself. (Unfolds arms.) And he's standing like this and all. (Folds arms.) Kind of nods at us. (Nick nods.) Acknowledgement. And I'm like, fuck! (Unfolds arms.) Honest, honest to God, could've stood anywhere. Plenty space. Then this guy appears, some bozo, some music biz type...
Roger ...with the obligatory bad hair and crap clothes...
Nick ... and this guy, patronising bozo boy, he motions Peel forward. There's space in front, plenty room. So he kind of nods at us again and moves forward. So he's stood in front, right, five, six feet in front of us. Now - and this is embarrassing - but me and him have this thing we do at gigs, in that we do everything at the same time. We shift at the same time, we drink at the same time, we talk at the same time.
Roger Obviously not something we choose to do. Don't want to give the impression we rehearse or anything.
Livvy Your little dance.
Livvy demonstrates. She shuffles and rocks back and forth with her arms folded. Nick and Roger look at each other. Livvy shuffles again.
Nick (Roger gets up to accompany.) So Godspeed! are on and we're like that, like this (fold arms, slowly taps foot, rocks head back and forth) and after a while we're like that, (thumbs in pockets, taps other foot, rocks head back and forth, taps both feet) then we have a drink. Now swear, swear to God, we did this and (slowly) Peel does it at the exact same time. (Nick/Roger go through the motions, along with, on screen,"Stickman".) That... to that... to that. And again. (Three "Stickmen".) The three of us. He was like (Nick goes over and stands five feet behind Adrian.) same distance I am from you.
Livvy That's lovely. That would do. You could post that.
Nick shrugs.
Roger Nah. Lame.
Adrian Lame?
Roger (back to seat) Lame and wanky. Too lame. Too wanky.
Nick (to Livvy, pointing at Roger) Too sensitive.
Nick down on one knee.
Adrian You didn't speak to him then?
Nick (shakes head) I'm sure though, I'm positive, he was going to speak to us. Remember, he was the one came over. Made a point of that. Didn't have to. We obviously looked - approachable.
Livvy Ahhh. Should've spoke to him after. Should've said, Hi, remember us, we're those nice, approachable people.
Roger Nah, bad hair bozo dragged him off. No doubt scared of a certain numbnuts stood five feet behind him going, (Animated.) "Awesome! Awesome!"
Livvy What would you've said?
Roger Don't go to Peru. Sorry.
Nick No idea. Talked about Camber. I've no idea. Not as if we didn't know him.
Roger Nah, he was a posh boy. He'd've fired the questions. Who we wanted to see. What we made of it. What we did for a living.
Nick And we'd've said, eh, we work for the Health Service. And that would've been that. Wouldn't've seen him for dust. (Nick raises and wags finger.) Worth pointing out though, I did speak to him one time. March '82. John Peel Roadshow. Me and him went through. I spoke to Peel. Gave him a bit paper and asked him to play a tune, play a tune for Roger and Nick. Following Wednesday, he played a tune for us.
Roger Yeah, and dedicated it to Roger and "Dick". (All laugh.) I could've rained kisses on his upturned little lips for that one.
Adrian Hold on. Elton's put something up.
Roger and Nick go over to computer. Text appears on screen.
Adrian reads.
John was always the champion of the new and unheard. Countless artists owe him so much for his enthusiasm, including myself. He helped me in the formative stages of my career, and I will never forget his kindness and humour.
Elton John, Las Vegas
Nick Excellent. Well said, Reg. Nice one. (To Adrian.) Alright?
Adrian (rubbing his eyes) Yeah, the daftest things set you off. (To Livvy.) I'm fine.
Roger/Nick return to previous positions.
Livvy (to Nick) Last new year didn't you give a big lecture on how all these '70's superstars were, what was it, preposterous. I seem to recall that being your word of the night.
Nick Of that shower, Elton's the one can hold his head up. See, it was his ambition to be preposterous. Rod Stewart, he's just gave in to it, like it's a pension plan, insurance or something. (Finger going.) December '74 and Rod released You Can Make Me Dance, then possibly a serious candidate for the best record ever made, certainly one of the greatest, most joyous, records ever made by a white man, a masterpiece of a pop song. And it was barely a hit. And I remember the first time Peel played that one as well. (Thinks.) It was either the first record on a show, or the last record on a show.
Pause.
Roger Think he first played it at the end of a show, next again time he played it to open the show.
Nick You could be right. You could well be right. In fact, I'm sure you are right. That was it.
Adrian and Livvy exchange a look.
Adrian Hold on. Wait a minute. This is thirty years ago? And you remember it?
Roger/Nick Yeah.
Livvy What, with your wee transistor under the duvet?
Nick (incredulous) Nah, I'd it blaring out this big fuck off system. I was bouncing about the place. (PC picture of pre-teen bouncing about in front of big fuck off system.) Anyway, after You Can Make Me Dance, you get the feeling Rod said to himself, I'm never going to make a record as good as that again in my life. What can I do? Let's see. I want to party. I want to make shitloads of money. I know! I'll be Mr Preposterous. Pass the polka dot leggings, and flavour me with your fivers. Bowie, he's the scummy one. (Dread words.) Chat shows. Festivals. Endless guest appearances. He's the one makes out how he isn't preposterous, how he's still, for what it's worth, "an artist".
Livvy Peel had a problem with Bowie, didn't he?
Roger Thing that rattled him - well, one of them, there appear to've been many - was for a while, Bowie was nothing but cool, and with the huddled masses it was all, (whiny) David, tell us what you've been listening to? David, tell us what you've been reading? (End whiny.) And Bowie would forever be mentioning bands he'd picked up offof Peel.
Nick But he'd never acknowledge Peel. He's a chancer, always has been. Made the best series of collaborative records ever, right up to Lodger. Got the best...
Adrian (looking at Livvy) But now he's preposterous?
Nick Oh, total scumbag. He should just... get a job down the library. Not being funny. He was a superhero. What do superheroes do? Retire. Get jobs in libraries. I'd love to go down the library and see him. I'd respect him then. I'd even talk to him. I'd talk about Peel.
Adrian Well, not a day passes when you don't learn something. I never knew there were so many meanings to preposterous.
Livvy And I'd never've taken Nick for an Elton fan.
Nick Get a grip. Guy's never made a half-way decent record in his life. All I'm saying is, if you were to go for a drink with any these boys, Elton would be the one you would choose. You can tell he's a good bloke: knows his tunes; sticks the boot into religion; and, think about it, of all of them, he's the one that would have no qualms about getting his round in. Rod would be like, oh, no, don't know about that, got to watch the pennies, another couple of kids on the way.
Roger While Bowie would be, (affected) but you should be buying me the drinks. Mean I'm the Divine David. Think of all the pleasure I've given you.
Adrian (consulting notebook) So what about Home Truths then, the Radio 4 stuff? Don't see a mention of that. And for a lot of people, the likes of ourselves especially, those that had grown up with him, it was perfectly fitting that he should present a programme about being grown up, about families. He loved talking about his family. I know I'm going to get slaughtered for this, but I've never bothered with his Radio 1 show for years. But Home Truths … I'm really going to miss my Saturday mornings with him. See that was just about your perfect radio. Did all the things that radio can do, that TV can't, that even print can't.
Roger Funnily enough, this is an area we’ve been known to disagree on.
Livvy (sarcastic) What? I thought you pair agreed on everything.
Roger/Nick =denial
Roger (emphatically) No, we don't. And while we're on the subject, can I point out Philadelphia Freedom and Benny and The Jets were great records, are great records. No, hand up, I'm the one didn't like Home Truths. Your typical Radio 4 - last bastion of the terminally witty - folk showing off. Oh, clever. Mmmm, amusing. Ahhh, moving. A-ha, educational. And all these contributors, so very nice, so very...
Adrian (feigning rage) What? And these are bad things? Clever's supposed to be bad? Amusing's supposed to be bad? Moving? And what's educational? Is educational just plain dreadful?
Roger All these people were lovely. I wished them well. Yes, I admit, even I learned. But it was all so comfortable. Just because you're articulate doesn't mean you've anything worth saying. It's true. And, at the same time as it was all so comfortable, it was piles in your pants uncomfortable. You got the feeling - sorry, I got the feeling - that with many if not most of these folk that that was all they ever talked about. That anecdote, that detail, that revelation, that was their life. I really felt for Peel. I know he enjoyed it, I know he won awards, I know...
Livvy It was very popular.
Roger So what, so was Hitler.
Nick Have to remember Roger here is a man who takes his daily dose of human interest in the form of his daily dose of gangsta rap.
Roger I do. Guilty. And I could've fired a missive off to Broadcasting House. Grabbed myself a feature. I can do puns and parody and moving clarity. I can do breezy syntax in the approved manner. (Breezy Home Truths voice.) Dear Home Truths, Sensing, perhaps, I have a problem, I'm wondering if you can help me. I am a pretty average - one might even say ordinary - middle aged, middle class male. I am a charge nurse in a liver transplant unit. I have paid off my mortgage. Like Mr Peel, I buy records. From girl groups to grime, from dancebands to deathcore, I could alliterate my genres till the news comes on. The problem, however, if problem it be, is that all too often the records I look upon as being my favourites fall into the category of gangsta rap. (To Livvy.) This causes my peers distress.
Adrian (rage not quite so feigned) Not having that. Everything that's good about radio was in that show. You lost yourself. It promoted dialogue. It flung up the unexpected. Where's the problem? And anybody could listen, regardless of background, circumstances, whatever. That's what defines radio. How often do you actually sit and listen and think about things? That's what all this is about. Listening. Learning.
Nick Well said, Adrian. Carla loved it as well.
Roger (feigning fear) Here we go. The couples ganging up on me. Again. What can I do? Who can I turn to? (Breezy Home Truths voice.) Dear Home Truths, me again. Sensing, perhaps, I have another problem, I'm wondering if you can help me. My friends the couples.... (Normal voice.) Home Truths was fun the same way staying in bed is fun. Anyway, and while we're on the subject of slating his extracurricular activities - he was no renaissance man. All that TV stuff. He was on too much, and he was a bit...
Nick ... pish.
Adrian (incongruous) What?
Livvy But he was hardly ever on TV. And he was great when he was. Come on, you're being ridiculous.
Roger Okay. Maybe only appeared two or three times a year, sometimes not even that, but over, say, the last twenty, twenty five years...
Adrian So, let's get this straight, you're not saying he was... pish?
Nick (wavy fingers) Passable.
Adrian (perplexed) So, what are you saying?
Roger Watched him. Kind of sort of half enjoyed him. Wished to fuck he wouldn't've done it. See, there were all these documentaries, okay maybe not that many, and they were interesting - up to a point - you could tell he was trying to do the right thing, but it was squirm TV. He only did it cause he got asked, and, being the nice bloke, he said yes. But some of the things he got involved in, like that Grumpy...
Livvy Is it not you just didn't want to share him? (Pause.) Like when I say I like some of The Fall, and you do that funny thing.
Roger/Nick squirm.
Roger What funny thing?
Livvy That funny thing. I like some of The Fall.
Roger/Nick squirm.
Roger The thing with him and TV was it was all him, the subject was of no interest, or at least background, it was him that was the interest. It was like seeing your mate give a really bad best man's speech. And, he was starting to do the rounds of those listy programmes, Hundred Greatest Haircuts, Hundred Greatest Recipes, Hundred Greatest Lying Bastards That've Sent The Cause Of Socialism Back To The Stone Age - programmes I love - but I didn't want him on them. It would be like seeing my dad on them. He wasn't a social commentator. He was bigger. He was better. Sometimes you have to remain aloof. Sometimes you have turn round and say, that's not what I do, I'm too good for that. You don't want The Twin going on about the Hundred Greatest B roads in Northumberland.
Nick That's another of our posh boys.
Adrian Sorry?
Nick The Twin.
Adrian Rewind, you've lost me.
Roger Earlier we - well, he - came up with this idea of the 20th Century and how, as much as anything, it was all to to do with your posh boys who wanted to do something different. Velvets, Dylan, Peel, Aphex. Is The Twin that posh?
Nick Must be. Strummer.
Roger Drake.
Livvy Bin Laden?
Pause.
Nick (gives Livvy the evil eye) Wrong century. TV missed out with Peel, the idea of Peel. Music TV's all lazy pandering. You don't have to have (dread word) interviews. You don't have to have every last new band. Forty minutes, once a week, forever. Stuff's out there, show it. Teach folk.
Adrian and Livvy exchange a look.
Adrian gets up.
Adrian Love you and leave you time, I'm afraid.
Livvy Need to go rescue the family.
All rise.
Adrian Any chance of dragging you pair up the hills before the winter sets in? Say, weekend after next.
Roger Sounds like an idea.
Nick Eh, think Carla's got plans. Need to check. I'll get back to you.
Livvy (looking round) And you're sure all this isn't worth a fortune.
Roger Were you to trawl half a dozen towns and their charity shops, you'd come across most of it. It's all out there. Odd one or two are worth twenty, thirty quid. I wouldn't pay that.
Nick Peel never paid over the odds for records. He was like us, a shopper.
Adrian D'you never wonder, well, what's the point? Mean, it's too much. You're never going to listen to it all.
Roger Every now and again, yeah, I curse the obsession with the record collection. But see when I'm thinking that, sure as it's something else that's the bother.
Nick He'll be in the huff. (Looks at Livvy.) Then he'll hear something.
Roger I'll hear something, read about something, I'll buy it. I'll buy something else. Instinct. That's what we do. Task orientated. And - I do play them. Not a problem. Only problem's storage.
Livvy Just need to keep going up the way.
The four take time to admire the available space. With lighting/projection/magic the collection's extent should be revealed.
Roger Good for a few years yet.
Livvy That, of course, and a fair old cupboard for your papers.
Adrian (peers behind cupboard door) And, wow, this is a mighty cupboard. Why, you could practically live in here.
Nick looks shamefaced.
Adrian (to Nick) Look after him, will you.
Roger sees Adrian and Livvy out.
Nick heads over to desk.
5
On screen
Page 1 of 2
“It’s only music, John”
The Fall “New Puritan”
Page 2 of 2
Yeah,but…
Nick Come on. We have got to do something.
Roger returns. Just stands there.
Roger Quick reminder. You said, oh no, not them. Get rid of them. I'll hide in the cupboard. Tell them I've been and gone. Fair enough. In they come. They say, you just yourself. I say, yeah, Nick's been and gone. Dammit, you just missed him. They say, oh, that's a shame. We stopped off and bought mushroom biryanis for you. At which point, ta-dah, you come bouncing out going, Alright, how you doing? (Angry) Like they're you're best pals. (Gathers up plates and take-away containers)
Nick Never had anything to eat earlier. Got a vanilla slice at the baths, but couldn't face it. (Accusing.) Like you with your cup-a-soup. Anyway, knew you'd never have the savvy just to get rid of them.
Roger So, it's my fault, is it? They're going to be telling everybody. I'm going to have to hear this for the rest of my life. That's fine then. Any time there's a conversation lull, let's relive the day Nick hid in the music paper cupboard. Oh, joy.
Roger exits.
Nick (scribbling away) So what. That's their problem. They're the ones with the problem. Hey, doesn't exactly reflect well on them, does it? That I didn't want to talk to them. Granted, they're lovely, decent people. All I'm saying is - life's too short for boring bastards. You know that yourself. We'll do this for you, we'll do that for you. Forever doing things for you. Gives me the creeps. It's like Ned Flanders or something. You wouldn't be pals with Ned Flanders. Ned Flanders doesn't have pals. Telling you, all that'll come back to haunt you one day. One day, you'll be up the top of some hill with him, and he'll start listing all the things he's done for you. (Nick "pushes", "waves" and gives sinister, toothy smile. Roger returns with two bottles of water. Hands one to Nick.) That's a problem you've got. Problem of being the single middle-aged man. They want somebody to chum them, middle aged single man's available. They want somebody to do something, middle aged single man's available. Me, I just say, eh, think Carla's got plans. Need to check. I'll get back to you. Gets you out everything.
Roger You enjoyed yourself that time you came up the hills. Don't deny it. You'd a good time.
Nick Was alright. It was all right. Bottom line is, I never fought the punk rock wars so's I could browse through fleeces. And, anyway, only reason you go up the hills is cause Nigel outof Half Man Half Biscuit goes up the hills. Same way the only reason you cycle is cause Peel cycled.
Roger Only reason you gave your kids daft names is cause Peel gave his kids daft names.
Nick Hey, when you've the opportunity to give your children the initials MES, in honour of a great man, then you give your children the initials MES, in honour of a great man. (Newsnight photo of Smithy.) Going up the hills? Once a year tops. Any more's just hassle. You spend more time talking about it than actually doing it. Like you never talk about buying records, you buy records. Like you said, instinct. No phaffing about. Look, can I put a tune on? Please?
Roger (sits on sofa) Not until you put something up, no. What you got?
Nick Eh. Shite. Absolute shite. Inspired by... (Points out. Reads.) Younger folk might be surprised to learn John Peel used to describe himself as The World's Most Boring Man. (Roger shakes head.) He wore t-shirts that said as much. Believe it or not, impressionists on the telly used to do him. They'd put on a hippy wig, a false beard, and talk about something really boring in a really boring voice with a really bad accent. (Stops reading.) Shite, eh.
Roger Just about sums it up. Self-satisfied and smug. Forgot that. Don't remember the t-shirt, but he used to have a stamp, rubber stamp, that he'd put on his letters. John Peel. The World's Most Boring Man.
Nick Take it back. You're right. Don't know why he did it. Contrast, I suppose. That's when it all started, all that (chummy) still to come in the next half hour, crappy competitions, godawful features, pointless phone-ins and ganting guest interviews with the award seeking stars of new ITV dramas. (End chummy.) And that's what you've ended up with. These cretins you could quite happily (slow) punch until they die.
Picture of Jonathan Ross
Roger Least at the end he was getting on with them. Maybe wasn't partial to their work, but... And they adored him. Could tell. Come on, he'd the respect. Masses of it. Top man. Always will be. They grew up with him, too, you know. Not just you and me. Everybody did. Back then though, your early mid '70s, the dark days, he was quite the thing for being aggrieved. Think about it, if he was only on, what, once a week, twice a week, for an hour, kind of makes you wonder, the rest of the time, what it was he was doing with himself.
Nick Sitting in the house listening to bad folksy, singer songwriters.
Roger Not exactly exciting, is it? Probably a shyness thing as well, eh, crying out for help. Still, not as if it's something the real world's most boring man would do. Advertise the fact? Go on about it? Wear a t-shirt saying The World's Most Boring Man?
Nick (smug) Nah. Obviously, he'd wear a fleece.
Nick smiles. Roger groans.
Nick Adrian and Livvy are alright. They're decent. The dinner was a nice touch. Not saying they're bad people, just... you know what really bugs me about them? They're like one these couples, these perfect couples with their perfect sprogs, perfect cats and dogs, you get beaming out the weekend supplements. (Affected.) Time precious busy professionals Adrian and Livvy take the family on a budget recycling holiday. How we helped time precious busy professionals Adrian and Livvy best manage their savings. (End affected.) And they don't have normal conversations. There's no flow. They don't take what you say as a prompt, they take what you say and contradict you or correct you. And why've we got to put on this performance when they're round? Like we're giving them something to talk about. Notice that? We talk to them through each other, or talk to each other through them. We turn into Laurel and Hardy.
Roger Or Earl and Randy.
Nick Or Joey and Chandler.
Roger Or two George Costanzas.
Nick And as for her. (Mocking.) I thought you pair agreed on everything. I'd never've taken Nick for an Elton fan. I like some of The Fall. (Both squirm. End mocking.) Know what her problem is? (Pause.) She's particularly mediocre. But to be fair...
Roger You're going to be fair?
Nick I'm going to be fair. He was alright. Could tell he was upset. Could see it. Least he wasn't doing all that arguing.
Roger Quite fun when you pair get going - the man who argues versus the man who's right. When she said Bin Laden I thought I was going to have to run and fetch the sheriff.
Nick Next time. Remind me. Twenty first century politics. (Slow.) First came those who tried to conquer the world. Then there were those who tried to teach the world. Then those who thought all they had to do was simply own the world. And now...
Roger Yeah?
Nick (Mimes explosion. Half gets up.) Listen, can I put a tune on?
Roger Are we going to have to take them out cause they brought that dinner round?
Nick Like hell. You can crash the flapjacks when you go up the hills.
Roger Go and come, please. Pretend you're a posh boy. Ask questions. You never ask questions. You never ask them about themselves. Take interest.
Nick That's the problem. I'm not interested. They lack... character. I've known them for years, yet I feel I hardly know them, but I know everything there is to know about them. (Finger goes.) And I'll tell you something for nothing, bet they know everything about each other.
Roger And that's bad?
Nick Terrible. Awful. Take it from me. I know way more about these things than you ever will.
Roger So, John and Sheila - would they'd've known everything about each other?
Nick To've been together that long? (Pause.) Nah, no way.
Roger contemplates responding but thinks the better.
On screen
Nick means "surprise". Roger thinks "secrets".
Roger See, that's what I think John and Shiela would be like. Decent folk. Doing things for you. You can imagine them being like that. I can imagine them wearing matching fleeces.
Nick Nah. Bit more character.
Roger Bit more character?
Nick Bit more character.
Tuneful knock.
Roger Want to hide in the cupboard?
Nick (gets up, hitches trousers) I'll deal with it. Funny feeling I know who it might be. Two seconds.
Roger (half realises) What?
Nick (squirms) When I couldn't get hold of you, eh, I had to talk to somebody. Had to.
Roger (fully realises) No... no... could you not have phoned the Samaritans or something? That's what they're there for. That's their job. Tell you what, I'll hide in the cupboard. (Goes over.)
Nick Behave yourself. Never sits still for five minutes, anyway. I'll get rid of him. Promise.
Roger No you won't. Warning you, if he goes to check his emails, or charge his phone, or says one thing, one single thing, that's within a ball-hair of being bullshit, then, without hesitation or remorse, I will break his legs, and you've to help me. Here's the signal: I scratch my elbow, you get the big hammer, right?
Nick shakes head and departs.
Roger sits at desk, arms folded.
Act 11
6
On screen
Page 1 of 3
Roger What it is with us shy folk, right…
Nick Oh, here we go.
Roger But, no, listen, hear me out, we want to keep everybody happy. All the time. Telling you, it’s a curse.
Nick returns with Kev and Adele. Kev is carrying two bottles of wine. He and Adele are dressed for a night out. Adele removes coat and sits on sofa.
Roger (resigned) Alright, Kev.
Kev approaches Roger, brandishing bottles. Roger gets up. Kev gives him a hug. Roger could be happier.
Kev For you, my man. Peel's very favourite. No, don't open them. We're not staying.
Roger and Nick exchange a look.
Roger (sotto voce) Peel's very favourite?
Roger scratches elbow. Nick cringes.
Kev, meanwhile, sits at desk.
Roger, enraged, sits on floor. Nick sits on folding chair.
Kev Adele, these're the boys I was telling you about. Roger, Nick, this is Adele. What a day but. Talk about devastated, I'm in shock. Did you see the news? Well, obviously you watched the news, what am I talking about, but main headlines. Everywhere. Everywhere, main frigging headlines. I'm sitting there, round at my mammies, trying to explain who he was, and what he was all about, when all I can think of is that Burchill quote, the one with her banging on about him being our Queen Mother. And that's what it's like: this total warmth that was coming across. There were people at my work, people I've never so much as spoke a sensible word to, never spent any time with, and they were really, genuinely upset. And, thing was, they all had stories. Oh, aye. There was one guy, he'd had a record played on Peel. (Roger scratches elbow, points through back, and makes tapping gestures.) Told us how the night Peel played the record, how he was up in his room, getting jiggy with his woman, and just at the moment, the very moment, the very moment he's about to - pardon my French - water the lady garden, his record comes on. And he's like, hold on, I've got to go down and tell my mum and dad! And his woman, she's "What?" she's raging, she's ballistic, she's, "What? What's going on here? What's happening? What you talking about?" Cause, like, you're not supposed to even think about your mum and dad in these circumstances, let alone go and get them, you know. And he's like, no, no, no, I've got to go down and tell my mum and dad. That's me! On the radio! On Peel! This is more important than anything! One and only brush with fame and the poor bugger's all over the place. And all this had been totally unexpected. Record had been out for months. Was determined to remember the name of his band, too. See, much as anything, that's what he was all about, all these wee bands, making a great record, getting it out. What were they called again? (To Adele.) These boys know everything. (To Roger/Nick.) You boys would recognise it. That was it, too. Only time it got played. Got 3.2p off the performing rights society. Had to share it between the six of them. (Kev removes book from pocket.) Had to dig this out. Had to. She is not a happy bunny. (Reads.) John Peel has become 'our' - and by that I mean people who consider themselves enlightened and unburdened by tradition - our Queen Mother. (Stops reading.) She rips him to shreds. Take it you know his first marriage was to a lassie who was fifteen. And, what's this, used to have a "Schoolgirl of the year" competition? What's all that about?
Schoolgirl of the Year picture.
Roger (nonplused) Can't remember. I'm of an age when I should be able to remember, too, but, for the life of me, I can't. (Shrugs.) Apparently used to do it.
Kev But that's pathetic. Take it you've read this.
Picture of Julie Burchill's 'The Guardian Columns 1998-2000'.
Roger Cover to cover, know it off by heart. (World weary.) And, yes, often I don't agree with a single word what she says, but she's great. She knows she's great. She's actually like Peel, albeit...
Nick Can't stand the woman. Hate, loathe and detest her with a passion. Come on, she's no Morley, is she? But, thing is, see, she's one of us. And that pisses her off way more than it would ever piss me off. She can say what she likes, she can do what she likes, she can get as fat and grotesque as she likes, but she'll always be one of us. Can see straight through her.
Kev Okay, well, eh, that's the messenger sorted, but what about the message? Does all this not make you feel, I don't know, uneasy?
Roger What, that he was a twat?
Kev Ih?
Roger (shrugs) Nobody's saying he was never a twat.
Kev Ih? Come on. This is indefensible.
Roger The punk rock wars. Reason the Pistols swore on TV was cause Bill Grundy said something pervy to Siouxsie Sioux. Now up until then nobody would ever've said anything. Nobody would ever've said a dirty old man chatting up a young lassie was being pervy. The worst he'd've got would've been somebody saying he was being a bit of a rascal, that he was having a laugh. And long as you're having a laugh, everything's alright. Lend comedy to shame blah blah blah. Peel was part of that. Much as he kicked against it, he was a '60s boy. These people who've spent their lives, their careers, being hangers-on? The models who never modelled? The actors who never acted? The terminally fucking witty? That was his circle. He was a young bloke, fantastically shy and immature. In America, he got a bit fame. He admitted - or, if you like, boasted - that he took advantage. He gets quoted in that article going on about women, and girls, queuing up to pleasure him. Then it's back to Blighty. Next thing, wouldn't you know, he's King of the Hippies. Everybody was being a twat. You've this shy and immature young bloke, stands to reason, he's going to be the biggest twat of all of them. Besides...
Kev (not convinced) But, Schoolgirl of the Year?
Roger You're right: whether it's women dressing up as schoolgirls, blokes dressing up as schoolgirls, whether it's actual schoolgirls, I don't know. And it doesn't matter, it's awful.
Nick Back then, pre the punk rock wars, there'd be pictures of half naked women in the music press, regularly, like page threes, but like, tiny. You had to hunt for them.
Kev I take it you hunted?
Nick Course I did. They'd have them tucked away in the small ads or something. Know I used to have to hide my NME's in case my dad thought they were scuddies? That's how bad it was. I'm not sure with all this. Different times. These things happened. Folk'll look back on our times and the way, I don't know, the way we spent ridiculous amounts of money on ridiculous amounts of clothes. You know he - self-styled average, middle-aged, middle class male - owns over a hundred t-shirts?
Roger While he - primordial plus plus plus - owns nine different woolly hats. (Picture of nine different woolly hats.)
Nick Oh, the economy's in ruins. We only spent seventy odd billion last Christmas. You've all your old folk and fat folk and busy professionals clogging up supermarkets, cause that's all they've to do with themselves. You know why prisoners get let out early? Cause they don't spend enough. Bottom line fact.
Roger Peel said, as much as anything, the event that made him rethink all this was after one of his gigs, his John Peel Roadshows, when he ended up having sex with a go-go dancer on the floor of the venue's toilet. (Pause.) A toilet floor I've never imagined to be that clean.
Kev I take it you've imagined this a lot.
Roger You see, in between the tunes, he'd the habit of talking about stuff like this - something else the blessed Saint Julie digs him up for. Personally - and leaving aside the fact folk talking about their sex lives is just plain gagging - I'm never sure that was a good way to go about it. On the one hand, he's all these young listeners, most of whom would be all hung up on matters of the body and its flesh. And there's the notion it does you good to be told it's not the be all and end all, that sometimes it's crap, rubbish, wrong, and you really, truly wish it had never happened. On the other hand, with your same young listeners, and not necessarily that young, any mention of sex is still going to arouse whatever associations you've got at any given moment. Getting off with a go-go dancer on a piss sodden floor is probably a damn sight better than nothing. I'm sure many a spotty young tyke banged one off to that particular concept.
Nick Or, indeed, a spotty young tyke banged off many to that particular concept.
All look at Nick.
Nick Only saying...
All look at screen. Nick is relieved to see there's nothing there.
Kev Don't know about that. Alright, what about this. (Reads.) Fleeing America after the authorities quite rightly objected to him having sex with young teenage girls, Peel was joined by his wife, Shirley, a Texan girl, who was fifteen when he married her. Talking to The Correspondent about this young woman, Peel seems strangely censorious: 'She fell in with some extremely dodgy people... she married three more times after me, and I was the only husband by whom she didn't have a child. All the children were in care. She did some terrible things, you know. She didn't deserve to die, though.' Give that man a medal. Scratch a hippy and find a sexist.
Nick (with some bitterness) Just goes to show - everybody's first wife is a nutter.
All look at Nick.
Nick Alright, marry in haste, repent at leisure.
All look at Nick.
Nick Same difference.
Roger (slowly) Probably, the lassie wasn't well. She lied about her age. Probably, she lied about other things. We don't know. It's really fucking sad. History has kind of written Peel as being the victim in all this. He was young, immature and a bit of a twat. Some lassie shows him affection and attention. He likes her. He wants to make her happy. He does what he's been brought up believe is expected, decent, honourable: he marries her. Doesn't work out. Not the first time it's happened, won't be the last. There but for the grace of God etc. Not that it matters a toss, but I'm sure there's plenty out there who've taken time out to remember Shirley today. And Julie's right. The whole hippy thing was sexist. She'd never've come from then. You hardly heard from the women. They were tragic, they were awkward, they were objects. Rarely a case of just being allowed to get on with it. And then there's men. Men are a sad fact. Even the likes of me and him - passionately PC, the pair of us (Nick registers shock) - but what about the way we go on about posh women off the telly? We'd never go on like that in company, and we'd come down on anybody else that did, but see with each other, we're a bit, well, we think we're funny - when maybe we should be ashamed of ourselves.
Nick (agitated) There's nothing wrong with looking at women. On those occasions we drag ourselves out to a club, and we'll be dancing away, having a rare old time, me, you and Carla, and you'll nod over at some lassie, some crowd of lassies, and say to me, or say to Carla, girls are great, eh - split second, over and done with - and there's nothing wrong with that. (Half gets up.) Can I put a tune on?
Kev No, listen, hey, we're not staying, just came round to, I don't know, pay respects, offer condolences, whatever. Still struggling to get my head round this. Mean, what, what d'you do? (Pause.) Anyway, like I say, was at the work, and we're going round dishing out the three o clock teas, when the news flashes up. And I'm really gutted and everything, giving it the great man bit, trying to explain to the punters who he was - no, he's not the bloke off the Old Grey Whistle Test; no, he was never in The Rolling Stones - when Adele here pops up and says how she met him one time. (Roger and Nick exchange a look. Nick scratches elbow.) She's in visiting her granny, Old Jeanny, wonderful woman, my current favourite. And I'm like, what, you met him? You're joking? You are joking? She's like no, she met him, she met him at Glastonbury. (To Adele.) What? Five? Five years ago? (Adele nods.) And, listen, listen to this, not only did she meet him - she spent the day hanging out with him. And I'm like, no, wait, hold on - cancel your plans, stick some slap on, you're going out tonight. You've got to come round and see these mates of mine. She flaming knows him. Well, knew him. She's got his number.
Roger/Nick shake heads and scratch.
Adele moves chair centre stage.
Lights dim on all but Adele.
(Kev checks emails.)
Adele Hi. See, I hadn't intended going. Not what you'd call a festival type person. Like, don't do tents. If anything, I'm a clubby kind of girl. (Cheeky.) You know, one those girls you see in clubs? Don't know if I'm the type as you'd ever point out to your friends or anything but... (Cheeky nod.) But, no, not into that. Couldn't even tell you the last time I bought a record. All this (music room) is just... ("over my head" gesture/sound) But my brother, see he's into it. Well, was. One of his phases. You know, the guitar, the decks, the snowboard. Now, it was supposed to be my brother and his girlfriend, and my brother's pal Ben and Ben's girlfriend Rachel. Except, just before they left, my brother and the girlfriend - who, I have to say, although not being his first wife, was indeed a nutter of the fully-fledged variety - they'd had this falling out. Major. And that was them. Burst. Finished for good as it turned out. So I was offered the ticket. The family was a bit frantic about baby brother. (Frantic) He's going to be away from home. He's vulnerable. He's only twenty five. (End frantic.) A bit what you'd call, eh, flighty, fickle - arse, elbow, tends to get confused - sort of person you'd half expect to get in toe with some folk from, I don't know, say, France or wherever, and end up away with them. And that's the last we'd hear. Last we'd hear till we'd get the two phone calls: you know, the one telling us how great it was - oh, Chantelle blah blah blah, oh Paris blah blah blah oh the French blah blah blah; then we'd get the sob story - oh Chantelle (crying sounds) oh, money (crying sounds) oh, home (crying sounds). Never really one for thinking things through. So I thought, what the heck. Due some Brownie points, anyway. Long weekend in the country? Make sure he doesn't get into any bother? Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid? Okay, muggins'll be babysitter.
And see I'm quite pally with Rachel. Rachel, she's the same as me, she's just into the clubs and that. So me and Rachel, we've made our minds up - get shit-faced, find the dance tent, and get more shit-faced; whilst arranging to meet my brother and Ben at certain times, certain places and so on and so forth. And woe betide him if he doesn't make it. Cause if he doesn't make it - baby brother's on a promise that I'm to hold his hand the whole weekend. (Smiles.) Not a problem. First night, the Friday, all this works out fine and dandy. Me and Rachel meet some cracking folk, and get in with a right good crowd. We're all just having a laugh. (Pause. Cheeky.) By the way, that's alright, eh? Having a laugh? Sure? Yeah? Just what you were saying. Never be too sure with these things. (Cheeky nod.) Anyhow, my brother and Ben, they're fine as well. They're more into your, what is it, indie, away seeing bands. Ben, he's alright, not the type as to lead anybody astray. Now, on the Saturday, the morning, we head to out to have a look round. Place is ginormous. Honest, you've no idea. Need a flask and St Bernard to find your flask and St Bernard. Kev says you've never been. Not fancy it, no?
Nick Frankly, my dear - I'd rather stick my boaby in a blender.
Adele (taken aback) Right. Right. Well there's tons to see and do. Honest, honest, you'd love it. No, but I thought it would be, like, you know, not for me, but it was amazing, really was. I'd go back, I would. If nothing else, for the experience, should give it a go.
Roger Believe me, when he says he'd rather stick his boaby in a blender, he's actually thinking about sticking his boaby in a blender.
Series of photos that would make you vomit your spleen.
Adele Fair enough. Whatever gets you going goes. (Raises eyes.) So, there you are, the Saturday, the morning, the four of us just wandering about, as you do, as everybody does, when who should we see - but John Peel and Jarvis Cocker, just standing there, the very thing, chatting away. Now, everybody's noticing them, and sort of kind of acknowledging them, pointing, staring, taking photos, walking in circles round them, but being way too cool to go over and just simply talk to them. Like, hello, they're normal people. And, me, well, I'm what you see is what you get, anything but cool. So I'm thinking, right, baby brother's had a hard time of it. Let's give him something to remember. My brother, he's right into Jarvis Cocker. So I'm like, bold as brass, grabs the hands, marches over, and does the introductions. Me and Rachel think this is a laugh. John Peel, he's really sweet, asking us where we're from, who we're off to see, have we been before etc etc etc. He seems fair taken by the fact we're not overawed or anything, and how really we haven't a clue as to what's going on. Jarvis, he's a bit put off, bit freaked out - maybe he thought we were going to jump on his skinny bones or something; maybe he'd stuff to do, I don't know - but anyway he disappears. Now John though, he asks us what we're up to. My brother and Ben, being all boys-y keen and everything, they're off to get down the front to see some band on the main stage. Me and Rachel, we're up to nothing, having a wander, trying to take it all in. So John says, if we want, he'll show us round. He's got a spare hour or so. (Blase.) We're like, okay, whatever, could maybe manage.
So John gives us the tour. And we're like lapping it up, cause of course everybody's noticing us. Just the attention thing, you know, you get a buzz, you get a hit off it. And we're off round all these places, all the small tents, all the hippy stuff, with all these folk playing kind of daft instruments, but it's all fun, it's all dance-y. Not as po-faced as you'd imagine it to be. And me and Rachel, we're like dancing away. John, he doesn't dance, just kind of shuffles with his arms folded. Like that. (Adele demonstrates.) Then, after a while, John says he has to head back. He's asking if we've had a good time. And we're like, yeah, yeah, course we have. And we thank him and everything. Then, out the blue, he asks us if we want to come over backstage and watch him do some TV. John warns us: look, he says, it's really boring, nowhere near as glamorous as it's cracked up to be, but young people tend to be impressed by that kind of stuff. Some singer's to do an acoustic thing, and John's to do the introduction. John says he's very good. And we're like - TV? Yeah! Backstage? Yeah! So we heads off and goes to the TV bit. Now, you'd never've seen us, but you'd definitely've heard us, cause we'd to give this massive, great big cheer at the end. And, before you ask, haven't a clue, no idea who the singer was.
After, John says he has to hang about. He says there's nothing to see, and if he was us, he'd get himself back out on the trail again. We were due to meet up with Ben and baby brother about this time, anyway. So, we said our goodbyes, and that was that.
Pause.
Nick So, what was he like? Mean, what did he talk about?
Adele Just what was going on. Asking about ourselves. Just being interested. Polite.
Roger Kev said you'd his number.
Adele That was the one kind of scary bit. When we were backstage, I'd seen this toilet, this proper, totally amazing looking toilet, sinks and everything. Honest, you could smell the soap. No, no kidding, no word of a lie, you could smell lemon. Wafting. So I thinks right, having that, and rushes over to give my bits and bobs a scrub. But when I gets back, I can't find Rachel and John. And there's all these people, these really busy looking people, that clearly know what they're supposed to be doing, that're clearly supposed to be there, and I'm like, help, help, help me, standing about looking like I don't know what - actually, dreading to think what I was looking like. And I'm all (looks this way and that) and I can't see them, can't see them anywhere. I don't recognise a thing. I can't even see the toilet I've just come out of. I'm starting to get panicked, I mean really losing it. Mean what am I to say? "John Peel abandoned me!!!" Like anybody's going to believe that. I've visions of me being turfed out, turfed out the whole flaming festival. And me that was supposed to be the sensible one looking out for my brother, too. Now, it seems like ages, but it was likely only a couple of minutes, maybe five, if that - no, was never that, was never so much as five - before they were back again. And they're talking away to each other. And they're talking in that way, you know, that way when you kind of feel excluded. And I'm like, oh, what's going on here then, what you two been up to? And they're like, wouldn't you like to know.
Pause.
Nick So what happened?
Pause.
Adele Nothing. Absolutely nothing. John had been away getting something to write his details on. They'd met somebody and got talking. Whatd'youcallhim? Him that used to play guitar with The Smiths? What's his name again? Robert Plant, that was it. It was only a couple of minutes. It was me that was getting all freaked out. And that was when John gave us his phone number and address and said if we were ever down his way then we should drop in and see him and meet the family.
Roger He was alright then?
Adele Yeah, he was lovely. Sweet and lovely. Shy.
Nick Cheeky?
Adele Bit.
Nick What, like perv cheeky?
Roger (sotto voce) Perv cheeky?!?!?!?
Adele No, just... Maybe cheeky isn't exactly the right word.
Nick Then what, pray tell, exactly is the right word?
Adele Don't know.
Nick How was he? Mean, was he eyeing you up? Was he like... staring at your tits?
Roger (sotto voce) What??!?!?
Adele (considers cleavage.) I shouldn't think so. We were wearing waterproofs.
Nick (George Costanza moment) Now, think about this, with these kind of situations, you get the line - did he ever overstep the line?
Adele (pause) I've really no idea what you're talking about.
Nick What I mean is, he never made you feel uncomfortable?
Adele (pause) No. No, this is what I'd call uncomfortable.
Roger And did you ever contact him?
Adele Never a reason to. We were never going to be down there. It's not even close to London.
Nick (to Roger, and while he's speaking, lights return to normal and Adele returns chair) Always said that. Gave his details to loads of folk and nobody ever got in touch. The odd Fire Engines fan from Finland would plank themselves on the doorstep but that was about it. (Photo of doorstepping backpacker with "Fire Engines Fan" t-shirt.)
Kev (getting up) Well, there you go. Nothing makes a night like ranting about sex and death, eh? Listen, we need to get going. By the way, was going to say, anybody up for a trip to the lake district? Thinking about renting a cottage for the long weekend. Getting a posse down. Weekend of the eighth?
Roger Eh, think Carla's got plans. Kids party or something. Need to check. I'll get back to you.
Kev looks perplexed. Roger and Nick exchange a look. Roger shrugs.
Kev gives a hug to Nick. He gives Roger a "knowing" look.
Adele goes over to Roger's bike. She strokes it.
Adele (to Roger) Mmmm. Nice bike.
Roger sees Adele/Kev out. Nick heads over to computer.
7
On screen
Page 1 of 3
Labouring a point
Page 2 of 3
If busy professionals are so busy how come they’re so slow when it comes to going round supermarkets?
Page 3 of 3
But never to busy to stop them from appearing on buying a new house programmes.
Roger (off stage) Peel's very favourite. (Shouts.) Have you ever heard so much bollocks, so much sheer and utter bollocks, in all your life?
Nick (laughing) Man's a legend. Clinically compulsive of both bull and shit. Got to hand it to him. That was some effort.
Roger (returns with opened bottle and couple of glasses) And who was she? Him that played guitar with The Smiths?!?!?!? She touched my bike! D'you see her? She touched my bike!
Nick Hey, even I would never touch your bike. My kids are frightened to touch your bike.
Roger He put her up to that. The whole shebang, 100% fabrication from start to finish.
Nick Not a single word of truth, was there?
Roger Twaddle. Drawing us in. Wee bit intrigue, wee bit will they, won't they, then the denouement, the bit when it all comes together, the bit when you're supposed to go, a-ha, it all makes sense now. Go on, stroke his bike, that'll freak him. (Roger pours wine.) Does it all the time. See to spend fifteen minutes in his brain...
Nick Surprised it was never him that had met Peel.
Roger Bet that was the plan, too, then he thought, nah, sneaky, I know what I'll do, I'll get somebody else. That'll be good. That'll be clever. That'll increase the plausibility factor by about, oh, eh, mmmm, let's see - zilch, absolute zilch. He's a knob. (Sips wine.) He's a preposterous knob. There's one for you. Preposterous knob. Remember Peel one night saying he'd had this eighty pound glass of wine. Said as much as he disapproved of the idea of paying eighty pound for a glass of wine, it was exactly what an eighty pound glass of wine should taste like.
Nick (sips) 'S'alright.
Roger But it's not from a bottle that's eighty pound a glass, is it?
Nick (Laughs.) Rioja, got that right. (Pause.) See, you're not going like this - but I think that's what Peel would be like, there was a touch of the Kev about him.
Roger What?!?!?! Your cat does shites that're more like Peel than he is. (Goes over, gets laptop and returns to sofa.)
Nick But, no, wait, listen, hear me out. What you were saying, the respect thing, the top man thing? Well, Kev's like that. He craves it. He likes being a character. He likes that audience, what he perceives to be a naive, unsophisticated audience. He likes hanging with the young team. And he's got to have some woman in toe, preferably one that's never read a book. And they're not like conquests or anything. That home, that hospice he's at, it's near all women. He's relaxed about women. He takes interest in them. He listens. He likes them feeling sorry for him. That's what I think Peel would be like. He wasn't like us. He was like Kev. Kev's out his depth with what we talk about.
Roger Kev's out his depth in a puddle.
Nick He can't handle it. He finds men threatening. He finds you threatening.
Roger Me?
Nick Eh, who was just after saying they were going to break his legs?
Roger I was joking.
Nick Aye, everything's alright if you're having a laugh. Lend comedy to shame etc.
Roger Fuck off. Okay, I'll admit, when I was comparing Adrian and Livvy to John and Shiela I was talking out my arse.
Nick No, you weren't. You meant that.
Roger Okay, you admit you're talking out your arse.
Nick No. I am talking off the top of my head, though.
Roger Same difference. And, no, you're not. You've put thought into this. (Sarcastic.) And what a waste of time that was.
Nick They both like to tell stories, to have an audience. Know how I was saying about not remembering school, well Kev remembers.
Roger I know, he makes it sound like it was Straight Outta Compton. It wasn't, you're right, it was boring. He makes it up. You're contradicting yourself.
Nick I know I'm contradicting myself. All I'm saying is it's a storytelling vibe. It's storytelling. With a lot of this, the problem is, it's to do with us, it's you and me that have the problem. People like Peel and Kev tell the same story over and over, again and again. It's one the things we never liked about Peel on telly. We'd've heard it before.
Roger But... I don't know. D'you think so? D'you really think so?
Nick Just saying. Would Peel've liked us?
Roger (puts laptop down) No. Course not.
Nick And why?
Roger Because...
Nick We're too full on. We're hard work. We take things too seriously.
Roger Oh, that's terrible, that is. That's really bad, that is. That's worth the hanging, that is.
Nick (gets up)Peel said that when folk met him they would sometimes be shaking with fear. We were shaking that time at Godspeed! (Shaking photo of arms-folded Roger/Nick.) If he'd spent a night with us, a good night, out for a few beers, then maybe, just maybe, he'd have liked us. It's that awkward stage, the wary, chatty, taking an interest stage... (Takes laptop back to desk.)
Roger We were never brought up to take interest.
Nick Exactly. We were brought up to think for ourselves.
Roger Whatever that means. What does that mean?
Nick Slagging people off. If we'd've met the man we'd have been on his case. We'd've made the guy uncomfortable. We would not've been able to help ourselves. We'd be going, oh, eh, d'you think the attention you lavished on The Undertones affected the career of the criminally undervalued That Petrol Emotion? Poor guy would've been terrified. And we'd be doing all that trying to impress him stuff as well. Like you chatting up women.
Roger What?!?!?!?!? (Motions to get laptop. Nickprotects it.)You can go off people, you know.
Nick Know what I mean. I'd've been the same. Never meet your heroes. Works both ways. Never meet your public. We'd come over as being... one-dimensional.
Roger As if.
Nick We would.
Roger But we get up to all manner of crazy antics. We have a laugh... Don't we?
Nick I know. Hey, I know we do.
Looks and much shrugging.
Roger looks at Nick. Nick looks away. Nick looks at Roger. Roger looks away. Repeat.
Nick Wine's alright.
Roger Yeah, give him that. Anyway, what's happening? (Computer.)
Nick Still more piling in. There's a link to a site that's of Peel quotes. Just set up. Already tons of them. People are quoting paragraphs. Must've been going through old tapes. Must've. Is that what you'd be doing if I hadn't come round? (Roger shrugs.) Going through old tapes?
Roger Don't know. That. (Computer.) Radio. Telly. Phoning every time I thought of something.
Nick Superb. They've got his Top Of The Pops stuff. When Aretha did that dreadful single with George Michael. (Reads.) You know, I think Aretha Franklin can make any old rubbish sound good...
Roger And I think she just has.
Nick That's the one. Got all this to look forward to. Tapes. Telly. Programmes probably weren't as bad as we were saying. (Pause.)
You alright? You've got that look, the post strop air of one who's getting into feeling sorry for himself.
Roger Nah. Just thinking. It's all a bit... (Slow. Matter of fact / melancholy) See... we've sat here all day, right, getting all het up, blubbing our eyes out, over somebody who, to all intents and purposes, great as he was, was just a celebrity. We've talked all day. We'll talk all night. (Pause.) We've lost folk. We'd never go on like this. We haven’t. We don’t. We couldn't. We couldn't rhyme off quotes. All this stuff - we know it. All this stuff we know about him. Probably got more pictures, pictures of Peel. With that thing (computer), this thing (laptop) definitely. Tapes. Videos. Memorabilia. We know more about him. I know more about him than I do my own family.
Nick Pick up any biography, half a dozen gossip mags, and you'll find out more about somebody than you know about your own family. So what? It’s not something we talk about. When it's your own, you don't. You know that. You can't. And, anyway, you don't talk, you think. You think about them. All the time. And even so, even with all this, I'm sure somebody down the road's thinking they didn't know him. Especially with the likes of this. (Computer.) All this glowing praise. Carla's got this idea funerals should be like weddings. You should have the right to raise an objection. You should be able to raise a hand and go, eh, sorry, excuse me, well actually, see with a drink in him, he was a Nazi; if she told a story once she told it a hundred times. In effect, there's not one of us who's not a serious disappointment to all who know and love them.
Roger Suppose. See when you get home, tell Carla we've gave Peel a proper seeing to.
Nick Certainly have. Too much telly. Schoolgirl of the year. Glastonbury. Never forget - he was a fucking hippy. Our taste was wider than his, too. We liked what he liked, but we liked other stuff.
Roger You could despair of him at times.
Nick Sure you could. Right then, got it, to put something up, we have to answer the question, why was he great? We have to stop trying to be smart and just state the obvious. Why was he so brilliant? Just things about him. Celebrate the bugger. Come on. Brainstorm.
Roger Show don't tell time?
Nick Show don't tell time.
Awkward silence.
Roger Eh... said the only lyrics he ever understood were the ones to the Batman theme.
Nick That line of his, the one about the '60s and folk "dropping out"...
Roger How it was only ever an option to those who had something to drop out from.
Nick Singles man, never a (dread word) reissued with crap versions boxset man.
Roger Reviews man, never read (dread word) interviews.
Nick Single-handedly - listen to this, this is it, this is the one - single-handedly he was as important to our lives as - the music paper cupboard, the library and the TV set.
Pause.
Roger That just says how great he was, not why he was great. Thought we were supposed to be saying why he was great. Thought it was show...
Nick (huffy) Never pedantic.
Roger Never bitter and twisted.
Nick Early mid seventies?
Roger Mmm. Maybe.
Nick Right, not what he said, what he did. Think work. You judge The Fall by work, you judge Peel by work.
Roger Okay. Music's like anything. To get the most out of it, you have to keep up. He was by far and away the best and most important. He worked really hard.
Nick Never pandered.
Roger Always objective.
Nick Never afraid to go out on a limb.
Roger Never afraid to voice his indifference.
Nick Or contradict himself.
Roger Or change his mind.
Nick Or have a go at his audience.
Roger Never told anecdotes for the sake of it.
Nick An enthusiast never (dread words) an expert.
Roger He knew his handclaps.
Nick Was never just about (dread words) young people.
Roger And he liked a good whistle.
Nick Think about it - nobody, not once, ever once said of him, oh, he's not as good as he used to be.
Roger He was the sort of person who'd look on the world and its lazy, its selfish, its misguided and its downright nasty, and say, and truly believe, look, it's not their fault.
Nick (pause) He was never wanky.
Roger He liked the travelling, getting out and about.
Nick Liked nothing better than staying at home.
Roger He reflected the global.
Nick He affected the global.
Roger The electronic stuff, especially the electronic stuff.
Nick Quick question - what's clubbing all about?
Roger Hearing great tunes you've never heard before.
Nick There you go. Effectively invented clubbing.
Roger Sonic Youth Fall session.
Nick Come on. 90% the tunes in here.
Roger Still, have to wonder, if it wasn't for him...
Nick What the BBC should do is make available every single broadcast he ever did. I'd save for that.
Roger Eh, suspect that's a lot.
Nick (typing) It's manageable. Right, started in '67. 2004 take away 1967. Say, an average five hours a week. Say, fifty weeks a year. That's, hold on... 9250 hours. Divide by 24. Three hundred and eighty five. Ih? (Pause.) Hold on, that can't be right. Three hundred and eighty five days? Solid?
Roger That is astonishing.
Nick That is not manageable. That's humbling, that is. And it's not as if he was ever in the habit of playing the same tunes. (Pause.) To think, all he's done, and we can't even string a few piddling sentences.
Roger When Burchill wrote about the death of her dad, she basically just wrote about herself.
Nick Right, so, if that's the case, that's the angle, then how you feeling? To do with Peel, to do with him being, like, no longer around?
Roger Not like something's missing at all, just something's finished. Like I've reached the end of this really good, really long book. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. I got it. It changed my life. Big time. This isn't grief. I don't feel awkward, guiltridden, distraught. You're right. Deaths are about families. You start with a family. You end with a family. They're the ones that worry about you. They're the ones that... bury you. Me, I feel privileged, grateful. Yeah, above all, grateful. Appreciative. The way I always thought I should feel.
Nick There was something you were saying the other week. How, for the first time, you were looking forward to doing the same things next year, in five years, in ten years. Being in the same house, having the same job, the same mates, going out on your bike.
Roger Yeah. What's that to do with anything?
Nick That's what the show was like. He was content, but he was looking forward. What did he say about The Fall...
Roger Always the same, always different.
Nick Kind of knowing what to expect, but at the same time not knowing what form it was going to take. Knowing you were going to hear something that sounded absolutely nothing like anything you'd ever heard before. That's what he himself loved about the programme, the idea one those records in the still to listen to pile would sound like nothing he'd ever heard before, without any discernible influences.
Roger The child that would go on to make the world a better place.
Nick (wary) Sort of.
Roger That's why he said he'd so many kids. Cause one of them might go on to make the world a better place. Fine. Yeah. On you go. I'm happy.
Pause.
Nick No...
Roger What?
Nick (losing it ) This is no use. No use at all. Somebody's just put that up. They've said it - "pile of records", "no discernible influence". It's a bloody essay. Two guys from Australia, too. Australia? I'll fucking Australia you.
Few seconds.
Roger Want to go out and smash up a couple of telephone boxes?
Nick Yeah. (Regains composure.) You know I had to come round. Couldn't have handled being at home. I'd've ended up going off on one. Cheers for putting up with us.
Roger Least you never said you came round cause you were worried about me.
Nick Well...
Roger That's what you told Carla, eh?
Nick Oh, aye.
Roger Do couples really spend all this time worrying about singletons?
Nick All the time.
Roger Would John and Shiela have worried about me?
Nick Inevitable.
Roger So, Adrian and Livvy are relieved you're here to look after me. Whereas, in truth, you're here because you didn't want to break down in front of Carla?
Nick That's about the size of it. (Reading.) Thoughts are with the family. (Stops reading.) For all we've been through, we've no idea what they're going through. Never a monopoly on grief.
Roger (re-fills glasses) It's alright this, eh.
Nick Yeah. Has to be said, Kev did us proud. Could do with another biryani, though. Tea and toast?
Roger There's a thought. Funny we were both off, eh.
Nick Makes you wonder. If you could choose a day. (Pause.) There was something I've been meaning to say.
Roger Yeah?
Nick See when we're eating - I do race. I do race you.
Roger Kind of thought you did. You'll never beat me.
Nick Never know. Know you’ll never outFall me, that’s for sure.
Bonding look.
Nick There was something else - so, An Old Cricketer, you never bought it when it came out?
Bonding over.
Roger swallows.
Nick When d'you get it?
Roger (pause) The posh boy thing. There was other stuff.
Nick (dismissive) Never said there wasn't. Said "much as anything". Hundreds of much as anythings. Thousands. (Assertive.) You bought it round about when it came out?
Roger swallows.
Nick Round about?
Roger (shifts uncomfortably) Lot of this to do with class, eh?
Nick (dismissive) Course it is. Always is. Us not working. Listening to Peel. Us with the passion, intensity, bile. Them being interested. You saying you're middle class - when you're anything but - cause you somehow think it gives weight to what you say. Us being bitter about superficial posh stuff. (Assertive.) So you bought it when?
Roger swallows.
Nick Ages ago? Can't remember?
Roger The posh telly women?
Nick (dismissive) Completely unattainable. Might as well be cartoons. Only ever going to meet them in hotels. Hotels are sexy. Your subconscious is having a great time. Look, when we grew up the girl next door was smarter than us, liked better tunes and was cool as. But most of all she was unattainable. It's a big thing with us. (Assertive.) You bought it near enough when it came out?
Roger shifts uncomfortably.
Nick Come on. Near enough? Round about? Ages ago? When?
Roger (pause) As far as I can remember, I bought Roy Harper's When An Old Cricketer Leaves The Crease - when it came out.
Pause.
Nick (shakes head) You are some man. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Roger Can we get back to normal now?
Nick Yeah.
Roger Fire away then.
Nick D'you know what else I've just realised?
Roger What?
Nick (dramatic) Just to change the subject - a bit.
Roger Yeah.
Nick (dramatic-er) Eh, this is the longest we've ever went without talking about Joy Division.
Both turn to face audience.
Roger All the same. Not now. I couldn't handle that.
Nick Me neither. Just saying. Somebody else I've been thinking about. And that's a "much as anything". That's a seriously major serious "much as anything". And that's why you never talk about music - there's too much. No intention of playing them. Maybe later.
Roger For the now, let's not go there, eh. And, anyway, without wishing to speak ill, didn't Peel once say he preferred Bogshed to Joy Division?
Nick Nah, just something he said, not something he meant. Was never into the big myth thing.
Roger What, people who say (dramatic) "this is the longest we've ever went without talking about Joy Division"?
Nick (uneasy) That's what he meant. Whether he realised it or not, that's what he meant. Obviously never meant what he said.
Roger One for Carla, eh?
Nick Better believe it. (Speech.) What we need, been saying this, been saying this all day, what we need, right, now more than anything, now more than ever, is somebody to say something, something to make us sit up, and stand up, (stands up) and go, yes, yes, please and thank you. For everything that's happened, today, and over the course of the last thirty odd, forty years. That gives us hope. It is like a royal thing, eh. Somebody that'll speak for the nation. Sum up the mood of the nation. Address the nation. The one person you could always rely on to do that was Peel. Anything happened, he'd be the one. Who we got now?
Roger The Greatest Living Englishman is dead.
Nick So who's The Greatest...
Phone rings.
Roger (goes over, checks caller display) Adrian.
Nick Just let it go to the machine. Better still, put it off. Switch the thing off.
Roger Eh, he like knows we're here.
Nick (angry) Come on. Guy's never said an interesting word in his life. He's not about to start now.
Roger shakes head. Picks up phone.
Roger Adrian, how you doing? (Pause.) Yeah?!?!?!? You're joking? You are joking? (Pause.) No, not getting anywhere. (Pause.) Still here. Making a bed for himself in the music paper cupboard. (Nick gives double-handed fingers.) Sends his regards. And thanks for phoning. We probably wouldn't've known that. (Pause.) Yeah, I'm a definite for up the hills. Speak t'you later. Okay. Cheers. Bye.
Roger puts phone down. Tad excited.
Nick What? What is it?
Roger (exhales) You know your "yes, please and thank you"? Granted - Smithy's going to be on Newsnight.
Nick What? You're joking? You are joking? Mark E. Smith's going to be on Newsnight?
Roger Adrian says it's on the net.
Nick jumps up and down. Does tumbles across the stage. Much excitement. The two come close to embracing but think the better.
Nick What's he going to be like? What is he going to be like? He'll be out his face. Has to be recorded. Has to. He'll be out his face. Hold on. Wait a minute. This is certain? This is absolutely certain? That mediocre woman's not put him up to this, has she?
Roger Check it out. Google the cunt. Smith plus Peel plus Newsnight. Anyway, Adrian's not the type to have us on.
Nick No, he's not. He's decent. We've got to phone everybody. I've got to phone Carla. (Takes deep breath.) This is major. Can you imagine it, what he's going to be like? The drawing room, the big chair, the blazing fire, the bookshelves, the smoking jacket...
Roger Glass of red.
Nick (posh ) Yes, I first came across the boy Peel back in, I think it was, what was it, '68...
Roger He'll be out his face.
Nick Hey, we're right though, right enough. The Greatest Living Englishman is dead.
Roger Long live The Greatest Living Englishman.
Clink glasses.
Nick He'll've been like us. Sitting about. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing what to say. Just....
Roger Hiding in his music paper cupboard.
Nick You think you're being funny, but bet he was, too, bet he was hiding.
Roger Can't believe he's doing this. Never even really met, did they?
Nick Introductions. Never hung out. No danger. Feeling better now?
Roger Yeah. You?
Nick Just going with it. Listen, I've got to phone Carla. You know what, I'm fair enjoying this wine.
Roger It is mighty, eh.
Nick Time's it.
Roger Hour to go.
Nick This is what we want. What is it tunes are all about?
Roger Excitement.
Nick We need excitement.
RogerAnd we need it bad.
Lights down.
On screen
I always think back to the Royal Society in the middle of the Victorian era , where they were seriously discussing the possibility of winding the Royal Society up because they felt that everything that was to be discovered had been discovered, that science in a sense had come to a stop.Whenever people say to me that rock is dead and so on, I think back to the Royal Society in the Victorian times and think how wrong can you possibly be.
John Peel
Then:
Your friend doesn't like The Fall? Your friend's a dickhead.
John Peel
