KILDEER U.
by Fisher Thompson

Dr. Ennead Breschspray is a vociferous Sexual Politics Professor at Killdeer University. He is also a poet. It is his conviction that his female students can learn only by being put under the excruciating pain of torture. He believes in intensive drilling, rigorous probing, tremendous thrusting, and a great deal of student blackboard work. He has a gap between his front teeth. Saliva sprays from his gap teeth when he annunciates his consonant �P� as in his admired �Prevailing Precepts Of Pubescent Politics� speech.

In the Political Science Building, Gary Coleman plops down thirty-five million dollars and declares himself a candidate for governor of California. He answers questions by telling reporters "Whatchou talkin� �bout? The politicians are fumbling, fiddling, and failing. And the man that is failing, fumbling, and fiddling, more than anyone is Gray Davis. Whatchou talkin� �bout? So badly is he fiddling that Charlie Daniels will have his hide. He is failing the people terribly, making the fiddle screech so shrilly that he is facing class action hearing impairment litigation. This is why I am buying�uh, running for governor."

Dr. Ennead Breschspray�s teaching strategies sometimes prove to be vague and inconsistent. He storms around the room from student to student, criticizing destructively, completely deflating egos, and even bringing girls to tears as he critiques their d�colletage nose to nose. �Preposterous, preponderant, punishable by pinching!� He demands his female students commit to memory his work, �Titzoids.�

�Titzoids
Klothd n nekkid
N burncen round n round
A bit a slobber
Angs frum de lip
Az dey burnce up, down
N round n round
Titzoids
Rool de mind
N wrytly so itz fownd�

Comedian Gallagher is also gathering signatures at the Political Science Building in between smashing watermelons. �I am red, I am loud, and I am proud to run for governor,� he says, after smashing a bunch of large grapes on his head. He is acquainted with the poetry of Dr. Breschspray but thinks his teaching strategies vague and inconsistent.

Dr. Ennead Breschspray loves to haunt the railway stations on his holidays. On this day, ghost of the railways that he is, he wanders onto a southbound train and spots her sitting alone, staring out the window as if lost. She has beautiful red hair falling lazy onto her arms. She is intriguing - her beautiful woman's face and her girl's body. She doesn�t seem to know he is there � do they ever? Then she sees him.

�Who are you?�

�An artist.�

She tells him about artists. �An artist must heat up the emotions, again and again, making attempts on his own life. An artist must love and he must hate, often simultaneously. He can bring his hate into sharp focus and cause pain and later cry like a child curled up under the table. He is killing himself, but he is an artist, and killing makes him alive. Without killing he would be unable to do anything. An artist has no place for someone such as me. Please go.�

He changes his attack, �Actually I�m a poet and Professor. A popular persuasive and punctilious professor of Sexual Politics, my cheval de bataille.�

�A professor who lies and sprays,� she says, wiping her face. �Yes, I know your type as well. Covered with fine soft short hairs. Positively pubescent.�

Dr. Ennead Breschspray rubs his hand over his fuzzed head. �I believe in profound discipline, that students can learn only by being put under the excruciating pain of torture.�

�Interesting, maybe. Sit down. We will talk��

The intriguing red headed woman with a girl�s body hates men. She finds Dr. Ennead Breschspray an appropriate specimen to vent her hate upon. She will wine and bread him, bed him, and spread him, and then relieve him of his testicles. These she will place within a green jar upon her shelf: with all the others. She loves to hear a man scream for mercy in his moment of release.

At the Political Science Building things are heating up.

�Aren�t these the biggest grapes you�ve ever seen?� says Gallagher. �Watch me smash �em to bits!�

�Whatchou talkin� �bout?�

In room 225, Dr. Enrique Harbinger, Professor of Astro-Entomology, has taken still another route as he equates the clash of Dr. Ennead Breschspray and the intriguing red headed woman with a girl�s body with something of intergalactic proportions. �Tribelina is quite content for the moment in her dubious and diabolical avocation,� says Dr. Enrique Harbinger. �Yet in a few years she will be completely disrupted, leaving only a remnant trail, or relic stream or ghost, behind in the disintegrating halo of her downward spiral. To put this in astronomical terms, the tiny galaxy of Dr. Ennead Breschspray is being ripped apart as we speak by the gravitational forces of Tribelina, the larger one, and the dwarf galaxy's � Breschspray�s � stolen energies will wind up as part of a spherical halo surrounding the flattened disk of the larger spiral galaxy of Tribelina. Our mission is to study the globular clusters around militant spiral galaxies such as Tribelina�s, but if there are any disrupted dwarfs present, we will see and identify them. Of one thing be assured: Tribelina will be squashed!�

� Fisher Thompson

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