'IT'S NOT FUNNY, HOW WE DON'T TALK ANYMORE'
by David Floyd

(i)
The thing is
I don�t know what I can say
So it�s probably better for both of us
If I say nothing

You see
Everyone in London�s worked it out
With the possible exception of you

On Monday
When I was walking to college
This American guy stuck his head
Out of the window
On Gower Street
And started waving at me
Saying �Hi, how are you?�

And then the lady in the library
When she was clicking the books
On the clicking machine

She gave me one of those smiles
Like she knows what�s going on
Because she�s seen it all before

It�s what happens
When you work in libraries

(ii)
And maybe this is shit but
it�s better than the alternative

You know, like in Neighbours
where I go
�er, there�s something I want to�
er� I � y�know�
y�see the thing is� I�ve been
thinking a lot recently about�
er� y�know� you and me�
and we got on really well�
and��

At this point
if you were one of the nice girls in Neighbours
you�d jump in and say
�I know what you�re going to say
and am flattered, really I am
but I just don�t see you in that way,
you�re more like a brother to me�

And then
because it�s a soap
either I�d go back home
pack my bags in a wistful fashion
and leave early next morning
for a pop career in England

Or we�d ignore each other for three weeks
then, our scheming mates would set us up
and somehow we�d get locked in the Waterhole
after closing time
and we�d ended up drinking lots of beer
and having a game of pool
and everything would be all right

And then someone would get married
and someone else would get cancer
and we�d forget all about whatever happened before
and cry or laugh in the background, as appropriate

But this isn�t Neighbours
it�s much colder here
and that isn�t what really happens

What would really happen is that
I�d feel shit
and you�d feel shit
and neither of us will know what to say or do
and we won�t get to play pool in Australia
and I won�t get to be pop star
although you might.

(iii)
I�ve been busy
but I�m trying to be busier
like when the guy from Spiritualized goes:
�Though I have a broken heart
I�m too busy to be heart broken�#
because his girlfriend
Kate, the keyboardist
had gone off with Richard Ashcroft

Imagine waking up one day
and finding your girlfriend
has gone off with Richard Ashcroft
and then they get married and shit
and then he has a number one
Single and you have
to read all these stories in
the Sunday supplements about
�Yeah, I got married
she used to go out with
the bloke from Spiritualized�

But anyway,
he was talking shit
You can�t be
too busy to be heartbroken
because you make time

I was heartbroken
on the train to Exeter
and on the way back
when it got stuck for an hour
outside Reading
in between when I finished
reading the book about President Mobutu
and when I started reading The Guardian

Then yesterday,
I was heartbroken on the
replacement bus service
that they�d put on instead
of the Northern Line when this
mad smelly hippy guy was
telling me how he�d been
watching this film
where people were named after
colours, like in Reservoir Dogs

Apparently Tarantino just nicked the idea
from some bloke no one�s ever heard of

(iv)
I wish I could give you something useful
so you could use this as a reference
when you apply for a job in Paris

I imagine that if I was
the proprietor of a language school
I�d quite like to employ a teacher
who�ll wrap her students around the relevant digits
and take permanent possession
of a substantial part of their brain

�She may wear odd socks
and make unnecessarily harsh, snap judgements
about the character of strangers

She is liable to worry unnecessarily
about her ability to complete
seemingly simple tasks
but still complete them anyway

She is also prone to
bursting into song
in public places
but she does have
a nice voice

It is likely that
she will never fully escape
the lingering curse of Catholic morality

And

Her professed opposition
to pretentiousness
is so strident
that it borders on the pretentious

She may drive you round the bend
but is far more likely to drive you
through a red light
and into the path
of an oncoming double-decker bus

The thing is
While I see these as good things
They probably won�t
Seem quite so appealing
To a prospective employer.

(v)
Yes,
I suppose, there is another way
that�s the one where I bite my lip
and say nothing
and just carry on
listening to you
telling me
about your new boyfriend
and how you�ve been flirting on email
and how he�s so much more suitable
than the last guy

But I�m not big enough
and I can�t do that
so all you�re getting is this

It�s a shambolic excuse for a poem
named after a line
from a song
by Cliff Richard

It�s pathetic

Cliff Richard
Cliff fucking Richard
fucking Cliff Richard

I love you more than that

*****
#This is a quote from �Broken Heart� by Spritualized from their album �Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space.�

---

'POEM FOR THE QM ON THE OCCASION OF HER DEATH'
by David Floyd

How did you learn to wave like that?
That tentative
but authoritative
wrist action
that straddled class boundaries
and cushioned
a life
of otherwise outrageous wealth and privilege

Perhaps there�s a Swiss finishing school
for wavers
where they teach you the technique:
�Spread those fingers
feel for the rhythm
measure carefully
75\% of a semi-circle�

And maybe if my nan had gone there
she could�ve been rich too
and she wouldn�t have had to spend her life
flogging groceries to the angry residents of Coventry

And then she could�ve had real horses
instead of the plastic one on the mantlepiece
that she won on the bingo in Rhyl

My Mirror supplement
has 32 full colour pages
but no answers.

How did you learn to wave like that?

*****
This poem was originally published in David's collection, 'War in the Playground.'

---

'CREATIVE WRITING TUTOR'
by David Floyd

Today,
we will learn how to write poetry

First
pick up a pen
and think about a time
when you came home from school
and your mum wasn�t there
and you got bitten by the childminder�s dog

Good
now we will begin
to experiment
with metaphor and imagery

Picture a stream
a stream is the metaphor
for your first marriage
remember that slow trickle
of affection
slowly drying up
somewhere near Pinner High Street
and ending up
finished, kaput
under a bridge

If you can see it
this is imagery

Ah,
I hear you ask
now I have written a poem
but how am I going to sell my work?
now that I have impaled the lonely dregs of my soul
on this God forsaken paper

I�m sorry to say that you won�t sell it, ever
the public do not read poetry
they do not love you either

� David Floyd
Reproduced with permission

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DAVID'S 5 TOP FICTION BOOKS

1. Andrey Kurkov - 'Death and the Penguin'
2. Courttia Newland - 'Society Within'
3. Ivan Turgenev - 'Fathers and Sons'
4. Milan Kundera - 'The Joke'
5. Chester Himes - 'The Real Cool Killers'

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DAVID'S 5 TOP NON-FICTION BOOKS

1. Elsa Triolet - 'Mayakovksy - A Memoir' (translated by Susan De Muth)
2. Ryszard Kapuscinski - 'The Soccer War'
3. Ryszard Kapuscinski - 'The Emperor/Shah of Shahs'
4. John Bird - 'Some Luck'
5. Michaela Wrong - 'In the footsteps of Mr Kurtz'

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DAVID'S 5 TOP POETRY BOOKS

1. Paul Birtill - Terrifying Ordeal
2. Victoria Mosley - Crazy Love
3. Peter Phillips - Looking for you
4. Patience Agbabi - Transformatrix
5. John Hegley - Beyond Our Kennel