The girls are waiting for me as I am late as usual. Immediately I want to explain why but part of me wants to build up the drama and shock them with it later. I lie and say I missed the bus.
There are four of us in the group but we are more Shag in the Street than Sex in the City and we have had a few Mr Mediums but no Mr Bigs. We don�t have careers, we have jobs which mean we get our shoes from Barrats. We do like to meet for drinks and occasionally we might indulge in the odd cocktail, if it�s happy hour. But like the girls our usual topic of conversation is men, sex and how we wish our arses were smaller. I see no shame in these talks - we didn�t sign up as feminists and have no desire to change the world. I think it sometimes annoys Michelle who wishes that we might talk about politics so that her degree didn�t go completely to waste but - excuse the clich� - the only current affairs we are interested in is who�s shagging who in Celebland. It keeps us entertained and we�ve always someone to talk about. It was irrelevant that we had never met them.
Tonight, though, I can�t be bothered I want to talk about my day, my mad, bad fucking day. I know I only have to say the four words and all conversation will cease and the floor will be mine. I saw William today. I saw William today. Six years I had waited for the day to say this but I couldn�t believe it. The other three had had this day - the day where you bump into him and it lets you know if you can move on or if you want to - go back. I�ve been in limbo. Okay the longer it went on the less likely we were to get back together. I didn�t even want that now, I have moved on I am living with someone else. I knew it was over years ago but you need to see to be sure. To realise that he really was a prick and that you were better off without him. So I want to have this conversation with my friends to prove this, to show that I could meet him and that he was just another bloke who knew I wasn�t a natural blonde.
I saw William today. I put it out there for anyone who wanted to pick it up. Lisa looked at me and knew I had a taker. William who? I wasn�t prepared for that. There had only ever been one Willy, for me anyway. I didn�t want to begin to explain. Luckily, Susan helped her out. William Marshall the love of her life. Kings Park�s answer to Jamie and Sonia only Sonia�s better looking eh! I wanted them to be taking this more seriously and I couldn�t understand why I was beginning to feel cheated out of my moment. What�s the biggie about that? Lisa still wasn�t getting it and I couldn�t believe one of my best friends was being so dismissive. Did I ever meet him? Then I remembered that we had only really been friends for the past five years - she had never seen us together. How could I of expected her to understand? Julie explained the background while I tried to look nonchalant ... Well it all happened when we went on the school trip to Belgium...
Hearing Julie talking about that time made me feel like an emotional retard. I was an arse for bringing it all up again. I was a tit for even thinking this was a biggie. This kind of shite should of been buried years ago. But there was always something to bring it back up. Bumping into someone from school, hearing a song we used to listen to, meeting one of his friends. I explained how I hadn�t seen him in years. In turn, I heard he was in London. I heard he was engaged (to the girl he went out with when he was ten!) I heard he was married with a baby girl. God, I had even been told he was gay by one of his best mates!!! This was a controversial shout because the other story going around was that he was shagging that same friends burd. But this was why I have wanted to see him. I wanted to hear for myself how he was and what he was up to. We were together for three and half years and then nothing.
It was over ten years ago but part of me felt that we still existed in the present. I still hear What�s Up on the radio and remember him singing it in my ear only to give me the album for my birthday six months later. I also remember our last conversation, the one before he pissed off to Edinburgh with her, the one where he said we were too young now but that he�d be back. After a while I gave up waiting but not remembering which is why I am an emotional fuck-wit looking at her best friend telling a tale of teenage tragedy that everyone else got bored of listening to five years ago...so Steph has never seen him again even though he has been back in Glasgow for three years...I mean, everyone bumps into their ex at least once after they finish...
Once she has reached the end all eyes look at me to find out what was said between us. I had built it up for years. I had seen him a few times in the past few months but he hadn�t seen me. Debbie had met him recently but as soon as soon as she mentioned my name he changed the subject. Still I didn�t let this detract from the scenario that I had built up in my mind.
It would be like meeting up after we had fallen out, like we had done many times before. He would ask me out for a drink, just as friends, to catch up on old times. I would accept. The bars we used to go to were no longer there so we would have to pick a new place. I knew it would be awkward at first but we�d soon be talking and laughing away and our eyes would linger over each other. I would make jokes about the fact that I was now a fat bastard and he would lie and say he hadn�t noticed. I would praise the fact that he had moved away to Edinburgh and lived an exciting life. He would say how great it was that I was settled and going for checkout manager. I would ask about his family and he�d tell me how his Gran had really missed me and how pleased she was that we were speaking again. I would lie and say my mum passed on her best.
So let me get this right? Lisa was making sure she had all the facts before passing comment. He went to London with his first girlfriend after he told you that the both of you were to young to make a go of it? Sorry Steph that sounds a bit mental to me...
Toward the end of the night it would be awkward again. Do we meet again? Why should we? I want the butterflies to stop and my mind to think about going home to my future instead of wanting to return to my past. He, too, has someone else but she has not made him laugh as much as I have. At that my phone will ring and it�ll be Scott checking on me. I am annoyed that he has interrupted us and I am harsh and dismissive. His phone begins to ring just as I finish my call but he doesn�t answer it and I feel victorious. I can�t help but feel for him. I am different now and I want him to see that I am older and these feelings can�t be dismissed as hormones. We haven�t really spoken about how it ended, what he had said and I want to bring it up. But it�s not the time. Perhaps the next time we meet. But he can�t wait until then and we decide to go for another drink.
Aye that�s right. Michelle fills Lisa in. But honestly, he was just using her because he wanted to move away from Glasgow and she offered this new life to him on a plate. William was well pissed off because Steph had met Liam by this time and was looking great. Steph what size were you then? A ten. I want to add that I was fucking miserable at the time. But I have to admit I wished I looked that good now and maybe things would have been different.
We sit closer together this time and he has to talk into my ear so that he can be heard. He smells different which disappoints me. But his eyes are still the same as is his voice and laugh. I had forgotten what he sounded like and that makes me realise how long it has been. We talk about people I haven�t seen forever and I begin to worry that we have nothing really in common. He goes to the toilet and I think about leaving but he returns and I look at him. My heart thumps and I feel myself thinking about him in a way that I reassured Scott I stopped thinking about a long time ago. I think about the night when he took my virginity and how we spent the rest of that summer in bed listening to Enigma. I laugh aloud at our cheesiness and he asks me what�s wrong. I feel that it is not right to talk about sex with him.
So Steph? What was so special? Was he a better shag than Liam? I mean at least him I remember you talking about and you�ve met up with him a few times over the years. I join in the laughter and despite knowing she is winding me up and waiting for a Sandra Dee moment I have to deliver. Liam was just sex but with William it was lurve.
Until now we have only talked about people we know, parties we went to, friends we shared and fights we had. We haven�t talked about how close we were. He takes a guess that I am laughing at the fact he had to teach me how to kiss. I had forgotten about that and playfully tease him that I was by far the better kisser and I had most of his friends as witnesses to prove it. But although we are laughing again I wished he had realised what I was really thinking about. A few more drinks though and he soon makes reference to it. He looks at me and tells me it is one of the best moments of his life and I say it was mine too. I feel scared as I want to go back to that night and all the nights after it. For a moment I think we might kiss so I make my excuses and leave. I see he is as disappointed as I feel but I can�t go back. Not yet.
Debbie�s seen him a few times. Michelle reminds everyone. He still looks the same. Sorry Steph I never thought he was that special but I suppose we never did share the same taste in men.
After that night he phones me and we meet again. We are sober this time and we talk about other things. We begin to have more in common and it gets more difficult to avoid touching. Before long I am back at his flat and Enigma is playing in the background...
So Steph, tell us what happened when you bumped into him then?
I push myself into the centre of the discussion, making good use of hand gestures, tone and pace to ensure their undivided attention...I was walking toward the bus stop and he was coming in the opposite direction. I knew it was him straight away even though I didn�t have my glasses on. (Thank God.) I felt all that excited way and before I knew it my face was beetroot...
Was he with anyone?
He was on his own and he looked great. I kept my head up and tried my best to look calm and collected. I was quite happy because I had my make up on and this new top as I knew I was meeting you guys. Do you like it? I got it in New Look for a fiver. God, what if he had seen me in that uniform? Anyway, anyway, I was getting closer to him and then he noticed me. He broke into this massive smile and so did I. It was really weird. I was still a bit away from him. God, my heart was beating so fast and all these thoughts were rushing through my head. What should I say to him? Will it be awkward? Will he mention the fact that I sent him a mad email a year ago on that FriendsReunited site? Anyway, before I knew it he was almost in front of me...
I stopped. I looked at my three friends staring at me and they are excited and interested and curious as to what happened. They are excited because they want to know if the rumours are true, especially him being gay. They are interested because they are my friends and have to be. And they are curious to see if this is the moment where I eventually gained closure over something so old and so over.
As I looked at him, I saw a gorgeous guy with the most fabulous eyes and a wicked smile. I couldn�t believe that this bloke on the street was the someone that I had loved forever. This was the guy that I had fantasised about seeing for years. I had thought about him everyday and here he was facing me. My pace slowed but his didn�t...
What did he say Steph?
He said hello.
� Annette McCone
Reproduced with permission
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