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STEVIE'S MUSSELS
For as long as I can remember, Stevie, manager at the Tynecastle Arms, has been going on about his mussels and one Sunday in February, he finally succumbed, and demonstrated, via the pub microwave, the secret of his many recipes. In attendance as tasters and judges were myself, Alec, Alistair, Sarah and Frank. If the following doesn't make your mouth water, nothing will

INGREDIENTS

Serves: 4 people and Sarah


A microwave oven


Any one or combination of the following:

Strongbow Cider (or whatever cider takes your fancy)


Guinness (extra cold or natural)


STEVIE HAS ALSO TRIED AND TESTED HIS MUSSELS WITH...


White Wine - The old standard. Tasty enough for the unimaginative

Lemon Bacardi Breezer - Nice, the bitterness of the lemon is good

Lager - not bad with a bit of garlic but it stinks the pub out

Whisky - Lovely but bloody expensive and liable to get Sarah over-excited

Millers Beer - crap

STEP-BY-STEP MUSSELS IN CIDER



1. Firstly, take the mussels from the bag, and clean them in the pub sink (if you don't have a pub sink, a domestic one will do.) Make sure you take off their bushy, slimy beards (or as Stevie did, get Alec to do it, then pose by the sink pretending it was you.) This will stop any bitterness (apart from any from the person who got no credit for cleaning them)




2. Put the mussels in a bowl, (preferably not the bowl that Senga - who has a morbid fear of mussels - refers to as her special bowl.) Then go to the Strongbow tap, and pour enough cider onto the mussels to sweat and steam them, whilst talking amicably to the locals




3. Take bowl of mussels to cupboard that holds coats; books to help with crosswords; fridge; toastie maker and microwave, and place in microwave for 90 seconds





4. Emerge from the cupboard, with a smug look, bearing the mussels aloft to tantalise the waiting crowds





5. Attempt to distribute mussels to waiting crowds before Sarah gets her hands on them and scurries off to her table to devour them, over a glass of your finest whisky. We all enjoyed these mussels, although most of us only managed to have to one, before they were split between Sarah and Stevie, the cook. Stevie drunk the hot juice that was left and said it was very nice. Sarah finished the hot juice

The scores were as follows:


THE RESULTS

Stevie - 7
Frank - Good 8/9
Alec - 8
Laura - 8
Sarah - 8


FOR MORE FROM STEVIE:

Interview with Stevie in Tynie Talk

Stevie unloads about life, work and scary curtains

Stevie's Sexiest Women

Find out who Stevie's Top 6 Sexiest Women are




View My Guestbook
Sign My Guestbook

STEP-BY-STEP MUSSELS IN GUINNESS



6. In what worryingly suddenly looks like a completely empty pub, having washed Senga's special bowl, put another batch of mussels into it, and from the Guinness tap, again, pour over enough to sweat and steam (the mussels - not yourself)




7. Put bowl, with mussels and Guinness into microwave, and again, cook for 90 seconds. Probably best to get someone to hold Sarah down at this point, prior to bringing them out the cupboard




8. Place beautifully cooked Mussels in Guinness on bar and hope that the lovely smell will entice your disappeared clientelle back. Presentation is everything here. For most pleasing effect, place bowl on copy of Sunday Mirror back page, next to an overflowing ashtray, and Laura's notebook which she's put down for the first time in a month, in anticipation of making it to the mussels before Sarah this time





9. Remember to grab a few yourself, to slurp down behind the bar





10. And don't forget the rest of the judges. Frank quietly considers what way he's going to vote this time, whilst Alec uses the moment to gaze longingly into the camera

The scores were as follows:


THE RESULTS

Stevie - 6 (and 1/10 for whoever fucking got them for not getting enough)
Frank - 7
Alec - 8
Laura - 7
Sarah - 13




102 Gorgie Road
Edinburgh EH11 2NP
Tel: 0131 337 2877





The mussels for these recipes were bought in this great wee local fishmongers which has been supplying quality seafood to the Gorgie area since before I started school. Another business fighting valiantly in the face of the dreaded Edinburgh greenways and the destructive forces of Scottish fishing policy. Imagine living in a world with no local fishmongers. Come on, forget the supermarkets and come in and support this friendly, top-class local business